300 Funny My Name Is Earl Quotes

1. I'm not a woman. I'm a force of nature. - Author: Courtney Love

2. (beat)

3. [after Catalina's Spanish tirade] Sorry, I don't speak maid.

4. [standing naked in front of Randy] Randy, do you know where babies come from?

5. [a man is lying in the middle of the road with a carpet over his head and a truck approaches] [Earl tries to stop him from killing himself]

6. [pleased] Was that so hard?

7. “Earl, sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone is forgiveness.”

8. [to Earl]

9. “The world is a tangled web of connections, Earl. Every person you encounter is important in some way.”

10. [voice over, about why he had sex with Ralph's mother]

11. [as Catalina bandages Earl's hand after he accidentally drives a nail through it]

12. [Kay indignantly marches out of the stall as Joy winces in pain] Maybe I had one moment of weakness! But, You! You make cheating a lifestyle! I love my husband! He does the best he can! [Leaving Joy on the floor - Kay marches out]

13. [Albie has tricked his father and the police into thinking Earl and Randy kidnapped him.]

14. “Kindness is contagious, Earl. Spread it around.” “Earl, remember, every action has a consequence.”

15. “Earl, redemption is a journey. Enjoy the ride.”

16. It is not easy always to be joyful, to keep in mind the duty of delight. - Author: Dorothy Day

17. [voiceover] That's when I realised we might be too drunk to drive, but, we weren't too drunk to pedal. Although I learned a valuable lesson that night: if you're gonna try to fly a bicycle you'd better make sure E.T. is sitting in your basket instead of a twelve pack of beer.

18. [on having to leave their hotel room] Yeah, we did have some good times here. The gas leak was scary, though.

19. [about Randy] Hey; at least he's thinking! It's not his fault he's bad at it.

20. [Frank shows Earl his photo of Billie] Wow, you're, uh, *naked* angel ...

21. [icon]

22. “Life is like a lottery ticket, Earl. You never know what you’re gonna get, but you gotta keep scratching.”

23. “You’re never too old to make things right, Earl.”

24. [on hospital intercom] Doctor Pronto to reception please, doctor Pronto!

25. I worked with a guy, I can't think of his name, him and his wife, and one of them had a saxophone and the other played drums. It wasn't a regular job but I did a few gigs around home with them. - Author: Earl Scruggs

26. “Forgiveness is like a weight lifted off your shoulders, Earl. It sets you free.”

27. [Chubby drags Randy towards female employee by his chin then releases him]

28. [to Randy] If we don't figure out a way to break into that impound yard and get my money, we're gonna have to eat that potato.

29. [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...

30. [cut to Earl and Randy swerving back and forth on bicycles that were intended as Christmas presents for Joy's kids]

31. [Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please.

32. [sitting on the couch, watching "Wonderbug" on television] I like that Wonderbug. I wish we had a car that flew.

33. [Patty has her hand inside a soda machine]

34. [using voicebox] Hold 'em back! Hold 'em back! Hold 'em *way* back!

35. [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!

36. [title sequence voiceover]

37. [in court] Should I ask him now, Earl? I saw a guy with back there with pistachios [sic] and I don't want him to go before me!

38. [as copy shop employee] Is that... are you copying money?

39. [Christmas 2004]

40. [A drunk Joy thinks she drove home fine]

41. A man that should call everything by its right name would hardly pass the streets without being knocked down as a common enemy. - Author: E. F. L. Wood, 1st Earl Of Halifax

42. [Dodge waves and smiles at Catalina, who waves and smiles back]

43. “Earl, a good deed can have a domino effect. You never know how far the ripples will reach.”

44. [at the Crabshack, Joy is playing a game of pool against an unnamed female opponent as Earl looks on]

45. [Earl has discovered that his friend, Sweet Johnny is attempting suicide.]

46. [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.

47. [Earl and Randy are tied up in their hotel room] Hey! Maybe if you call Karma it'll come and save us. Call it!

48. [while holding Earl's hand onto her b*obs] Squeeze, baby, you're a vegetable, not a fruit!

49. [Officer Bowman is investigating a complaint at Club Chubby] It's bad enough we don't have any customers because it's a holiday and everyone is home with their stupid families, but now this drunk guy has taken over the stage and won't let us dance.

50. [narrating] She wanted me to do arts and crafts.

51. [Talking to her son, Dodge] Blonde hair and blue eyes is rare, so it's considered a treasure of the human race. That's what World War II is about. Why do you think the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor? Jealous!

52. [voiceover] Most mornings I'll wake up thinking about my list. But sometimes I have more important things on my mind. Like court.

53. [having just come out of prison] It's nice to hug another man and it doesn't have to go anywhere.

54. [Finishes a connect the dots hamburger] It's a hamburger!

55. [to the drugstore cashier]

56. “Sometimes the best lessons are learned through adversity, Earl.”

57. [attempting to take counterfeit money from Joy] Ma'am, I'm afraid I can't let you...

58. [The two girls tackle and fight each other on a pool table; the cop restrains Nescobar from breaking up the fight]

59. [Slamming the bathroom door against the wall, Joy enters] Well! Well! Well! [Flash to terrified Kay on toilet] Fee! Fie! Fum! Fo! I smell the stank of a stank-ass ho.

60. [Applause]

61. [about what he needs to woo Catalina and tell her he loves her]

62. [Closes the door again]

63. [after a ninja in Randy's super-hero story is unmasked and revealed as Joy] Go ahead, finish me off.

64. [Earl wakes up and finds Randy clipping his toenails]

65. “Change starts with you, Earl. One small step at a time.”

66. [breaking into Ruby's apartment by kicking the door in while she sleeps] Woo-hoo! Robbing the deaf!

67. [Camera angle is above the stall and looking down on Kay as Joy pokes her head under the stall to confide with Kay face-to-face] I'm just saying, we might have gotten along if we'd known we both can't be satisfied by Hickey men.

68. [Earl takes Frank's place on his conjugal visit] Uh, hey.

69. [Cautiously checks for eavesdroppers] If I tell you, you promise not to say anything? [Joy is suddenly very interested]

70. [Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt!

71. [Getting ready to meet her lawyer] I'll bend over, you tell me if you can see my thong.

72. (title sequence voiceover) Earl: You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things, and then wonders why his life sucks? Well... that was me. Every time something good happened to me, something bad was always waiting around the corner. Karma. That's when I realised I had to change. So, I made a list of everything bad I've ever done and, one by one I'm going to make up for all my mistakes. I'm just trying to be a better person. My name is Earl.

73. [looks at maid trolley] Hey, what are these?

74. [a chess set] Cool! It's one of them checker sets but for smart people and gays.

75. (repeated line)

76. Earlier research has shown that poor blood flow can damage these parts of the brain. So one theory is that exercise may prevent damage and might even help repair these areas by increasing blood flow. - Author: Bill Vaughan

77. [Starting a drag race] Alright, let's get this show on the road! I've got an appointment with a guy who likes to suck on my feet!

78. [through pursued lips] But I love vanilla! It's my third favourite flavour!

79. [to Catalina] Oh, hell no. You are not gonna try to steal that.

80. [in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off] Con esto concluimos nuestra primera temporada de Earl. Estamos muy agradecidos con su acompa?amiento y anticipamos verlos el pr?ximo oto?o. - This concludes our first season of Earl. We are very grateful for your support and look forward to seeing you next autumn.

81. [watching TV] No, no, no, no, no.

82. [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.

83. [to the judge after receiving a $500 fine]

84. [satisfied] It smells like a cupcake with boobies.

85. (Top)

86. “Earl, everyone deserves a second chance. It’s never too late to start over.”

87. Indulge me this once, Meg. Her name was a whisper on his lips. Soft. Seductive. Meanwhile his eyes gleamed mischievously, daring her to say yes. - Author: Anna Bennett

88. [to the tune of 'Ding Dong the witch is dead'] Ding Dong my witness is dead, my witness is dead, my witness is dead.

89. [opens her present, batteries] What are these for?

90. [Earl and Randy are in bed]

91. [rubs eye] Damn it, there goes the eye again.

92. [Camera pans up to the dirty bathroom mirror as the reflection of Joy's face wincing in pain slowly appears] Oh... [Lifting up her bangs reveals a bloody crescent shape in the center of her forehead] Great... [shouting] Darnell! Get me a rag! Somebody kicked me in the face in the baffroom again!

93. [bitterly] Oh, ze World War Two joke, zat's fresh.

94. [on prison visitor phone] Hey, my man's not here. You wanna chat?

95. [Kenny nods]

96. [Joy and Darnell enter the prison disguised as a priest and a nun]

97. [to man trying to walk between him and Earl] You can't come between us... we're Chinese twins.

98. “It’s not about how many things you cross off your list, Earl. It’s about the journey to redemption.”

99. [brandishing a weed whacker at Earl] *You* gotta do something! Like provide for me! I am the queen, you are the worker bee! Your job is to feed me, do me, and die!

100. [trips over a painting of "The Last Supper"] Dammit! Who left Jesus and his buddies down here?

101. [Randy crashed his moped] You all right?

102. [Earl and Joy are riding in a stolen police car when Joy pulls over a young woman] Wait, that's my ex girlfriend. I can't let her see me; she thinks I'm dead.

103. [Earl's complaining to Randy about Joy giving birth to Darnell's baby]

104. [Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken.

105. “You can’t keep making the same mistakes, Earl. Learn from them and move on.”

106. [Earl turns to Randy, who is daydreaming]

107. It would indeed be ironic if, in the name of national defence, we would sanction the subversion of one of those liberties which make the defence of our nation worthwhile. - Author: Earl Warren

108. I'm not as tech savvy as some YouTubers, but I'm a lot better than my grandparents. Whenever I have a technical question, or something isn't working, I ask Google, and that usually throws up the answer. - Author: Zoe Sugg

109. (Randy opens the door)

110. [looks at her watch] Dammit! I thought that said Cucci!

111. [to an Indian storekeeper]

112. [after Joy has continually been unusually nice] Joy, I need the old you back! I'm yin, you're yang. Yin's nice, yang's a b*tch! This house doesn't work without yang!

113. Right now my favorite TV show - because it's too close to home - is 'My Name Is Earl. That show kills me. There's some funny stuff in there. - Author: Rodney Atkins

114. [Earl is representing his father in a debate for an election to be mayor.]

115. [Christmas 2002]

116. “There's nothing in the Bible that says people have the right to learn stuff. I have read it.”

117. [paralysed with fear] Uh-huh!

118. “Earl, a good deed is never wasted. It always comes back to you in some form.”

119. [trying to convince Pierre America is great]

120. [slurring] We should go on a beer run. Are we okay to drive?

121. [adamant] Because they wouldn't give me my money back! It was a crime of principal like when Rosa Parks stole that bus!

122. [Randy and Catalina are sitting on the motel bed discussing their choice of chicken hor d'oeuvres for Joy's Wedding]

123. [to client]

124. [to Randy] Wakey, wakey, hands off snakey!

125. [finding a hole in the wall behind a Last Supper picture] I can't believe there's a hole behind this picture. That's a relief... last week it was banging on the wall, and I thought Jesus was mad at me for putting that Darwin fish on the back of the car. Guess it was just windy.

126. [opening a stolen Christmas gift] If this is another damn thesaurus, I'm gonna track down those dumb, stupid... dumb people... and teach them how to buy a proper gift.

127. (title sequence voiceover)

128. [after Earl has insisted that he wants a traditional funeral]

129. Don't you ever fucking apologize for another guy's offense. - Author: Krista Ritchie

130. [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.

131. [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you! [Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]

132. I did a guest thing on 'My Name Is Earl,' and there is something about being involved in a TV show that's in the midst of its popularity that frees up the creative process. - Author: Jon Favreau

133. [to a very pregnant Joy] Your feet must hurt. They're so swollen, they look like hungry biscuits trying to swallow up your flip-flops.

134. [Randy sticks the syringe in Earl's butt]

135. Whatever I think the song sounds like is what I'll name it. It's a feeling thing; it's not logical at all. - Author: Earl Sweatshirt

136. [Earl's ESL students show up] Look Earl! It's karma's army! Made up of people from all the lands of all the worlds!

137. “Life is full of ups and downs, Earl. It’s how you handle them that defines you.”

138. [Earl is afraid to get a vaccination needed to enter Catalina's country]

139. [to Randy, who is helping him get dressed by attempting to pull up his pants] You pull 'em up, I'll poop 'em!

140. [she punches him in the face]

141. (Earl has taken Kenny to a gay bar)

142. [after being asked to say something good about Earl's injuries]

143. [stands up to relieve himself]

144. [to Joy] Oh, and I hear you're wearing underwear again. Good for you.

145. [Earl believes Joy told Darnell that they had sex but she has told him Earl slept with his mother]

146. [Bending over to look under the stall wall] Oh! God!

147. (Both start laughing.)

148. [pulls a gun on Randy] Open up! This is a real classy joint. And I don't wanna ever hear boobies around here. Got that?

149. [changes to strip club commercial] Lap dance madness every Tuesday... there's all kinds of fun going on at Club Chubby so come on down! And don't forget: sweat bands are allowed and truckers shower for free.

150. [pauses] I'll give you $1785 for it.

151. [On the word: vagina. Randy flings his beer bottle over his shoulder smashing it against the wall] Oops... [Looking ill] I'll go get us more drinks. [Rushes to the bar stage left]

152. [to Dodge and Earl Jr] You know what, y'all don't stop fighting, I swear to god I'll slap you so hard, you'll both switch colors

153. [Grinning Big] There's my Carl.

154. [to Tess]

155. (upon bumping a computer mouse and turning a screensaver off) Uh-oh... I think I broke somethin'. The fish went away!

156. [opens her present, condoms] How are these for me?

157. (Closes the door again)

158. Most human organizations that fall short of their goals do so not because of stupidity or faulty doctrines, but because of internal decay and rigidification. - Author: James A. Garfield

159. [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.

160. [offscreen] My god, I'm gonna vomit.

161. [on his conjugal visit with a transsexual] I didn't really commit the crime, but I still feel like I deserve to be here because of karma. I know it sounds confusing.

162. [voice over] Blinded by a beautiful woman wearing shoes that made her calves pop out real nice.

163. [Earl sniffs] Nice! Vanilla.

164. [Randy is temporarily blind]

165. [changes to restaurant commercial] The taste of slow cookin' with the sloppiest sauce around! Now our meats are eased to perfection, so be sure to bring your kids down for...

166. [shouting] COPY RESPONSIBLY, COPY RESPONSIBLY!

167. “Don’t underestimate the power of a single act of kindness, Earl. It can change someone’s life.”

168. [Randy tries to sniff but is restrained by Chubby, who clenches Randy's chin]

169. [gasps] Look at that bird up there! How the hell do they stay up there like that?

170. [voice-over]... and like the butterfly, I too was trapped. But instead of a net, I was caught by a crazy girl wiping her nose on me.

171. [Narrating] There were two things I could have sworn I would never see with my own eyes: A real bear carrying a picnic basket and my dad crying.

172. I've done a number of these My Name is Earl shows. I play Earl's father. It's a half-hour comedy. And I'll be doing some more of those. I have a movie coming out that I did with Misha Barton, called Don't Fade Away. - Author: Beau Bridges

173. [noticing the marijuana plants in Grandma Turner's apartment] Ma'am, whose room is this?

174. “Earl, you can’t change the past, but you can make a difference in the future.”

175. [Release] Burning Soulworker server files (leaked on spring 2023 - full server - NOT 2023 files)

176. [Tutorial] Reverse Engineering C++ Programs: NyxLauncher.exe (Work-In-Progress)

177. [pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me?

178. [Later]

179. [Earl and Catalina are in bed under a blanket]

180. [Alex admires Earl's outfit for a cocktail party] Thanks. I borrowed it from a frat brother, which is why the pants smell like bong water.

181. [Catalina to Earl when he kisses the girl a person on his list is trying to get back together with] You're gonna hate yourself for this, and then when you go to Hallmark to make up for it, you won't find a card because it is too specific!

182. [Smiling] Hello, Diane!

183. [playing an IQ game]

184. I like tea so much that I'm considering changing my name to Bergamot so that I can exist in a perpetual state of Earl Grey contentment. - Author: Fennel Hudson

185. [Randy throws a chocolate bar at Earl, it lands on the floor. Earl fights Randy for the other bar and it falls out his mouth.]

186. [breaks in] Get yo' b*obs off my brother!

187. [after stealing a cop car] Who's got a cop car, bi-otch?

188. [snapping her neck] Lucky for me, you're no lady.

189. [A cop goes to Club Chubby's per a police complaint]

190. [after finding Earl's video will]

191. We don't think of ourselves as a dynasty. I really hope some of my grandkids will be actively involved in politics. - Author: George H. W. Bush

192. [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.

193. [Pitifully pleading] Leave me alone!

194. “Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself, but it’s worth it in the end.”

195. [Narrating] Cheerleading camp was gonna be harder than I thought, and so was changing Dodge's mind.

196. (cracks an egg open; blood pours out.)

197. [Natalie knocks on Earl's door]

198. [Randy opens the door]

199. [shoots Randy, revealing the gun to be a water pistol full of alcohol] Vodka!

200. The invisible thing called a Good Name is made up of the breath of numbers that speak well of you. - Author: E. F. L. Wood, 1st Earl Of Halifax

201. [Christmas 2003]

202. [to Catalina over the prison visitors' phone] I'm made in America, not a maid in America.

203. [singing] Ducks and chicks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in my surrey, when I take you out in my surrey with the fringe on top!

204. Kind of a wuss? Kind of a wuss? Dude, you are, like, the Duke of Wussendorf. The Earl of Wussheim. In fact, wherever wusses meet and mingle, your name is whispered in hushed, reverent tones. - Author: Jordan Sonnenblick

205. [after comatose Earl's brother and friends save him from amazon trucker Sissy's bed]

206. [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.

207. (repeated line) Darnell Turner: Hey, Earl! Earl: Hey, Crabman!

208. [patrol car dash cam begins to play]

209. [not knowing what to say, Earl pauses a bit to think]

210. [Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes.

211. “Karma’s a funny thing, Earl. You never know when or how it’ll come back to bite you.”

212. [voice-over] You've probably askin' yourself why I decided to stay with my two-timin' wife and our two terrible kids that ain't mine. But, the way I figure, a lotta folks probably ask her why she hasn't left her good-for-nothin' husband and his brother who sleeps on her couch.

213. [finishing reading her story to her kids]... And they went back to their trailer and lived happily ever after. OK you two, clean up and go to bed, and remember, if you don't listen to what I say, God will kill you. [kids hurry out]

214. [smelling one of his female employees at Club Chubby before turning to Earl] You wanna smell it? Go on, smell it!

215. [Joy's opponent fouls the shot by hitting Joy's pool cue]

216. (After Kenny turns down sex with her)

217. [Joy has stolen a truck from the Bargain Bag store because they wouldn't refund her $3000]

218. [Regarding the laptop screensaver] Make that fish thingy come back!

219. To harmonize the One with the Many, this is indeed a difficult adjustment, perhaps the most difficult of all, and so important, withal, that nations have perished from their failure to achieve it. - Author: Irving Babbitt

220. [angered] Oh, so you're on *her* side?

221. [Amazon trucker Sissy mounts comatose Earl and puts his hands on her breasts, not knowing she's being peeped on]

222. [Looking very ill] Yeah that guy sure is bad at touchin' moms. Hey, I know what might make us feel better. [Desperately trying to change the subject] Not talking about this stuff.

223. [deleted]

224. [spending Christmas in a nativity scene so Joy's parents don't find out that she and Earl are divorced] It's cold out there in that manger - I don't know how Jesus did it.

225. [voice over] [siphoning gas] The first time we did it, we used garbage bags. Then we found out that gas eats through garbage bags.

226. Goblin tea resembles a nice cup of Earl Grey in much the same way that a catfish resembles the common tabby. They share a name, but one is a nice thing to curl up with on a rainy afternoon, and the other is found in the muck at the bottom of polluted rivers and has bits of debris sticking to it. - Author: T. Kingfisher

227. (in millions)

228. [Referring to music playing in the background]

229. [Earl is drinking a can of beer]

230. [does not want to hear Earl's explanations and covers her eyes with her hand] I'm not listening!

231. [on dry-cleaning TV commercial] You wouldn't clean your body with discount chemicals so why should you treat your clothes any differently? Cos if there's one thing your clothes can appreciate it's...

232. [hide]

233. Patience and perseverance at lengthAccomplish more than anger or brute strength. - Author: Jean De La Fontaine

234. [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...

235. [At Frat party] I never thought of drinking beer upside down before.

236. [voiceover] Quittin' smokin' is kinda like going to prison. If you can last three days, you'll be fine. Me and Donny's mom tried everything. We listened to the tapes, then we tried the patches, then we heard somewhere to try carrot sticks. We tried it, but we couldn't get the damn things to light.

237. [horrified] Stole a truck?

238. [impersonating a cop] If you fail the sobriety test, we will shoot you in the face.

239. [holding car for sale sign] I'll give you 1800 for it, if it runs.

240. [Joy is watching a video of her and Earl recorded a few years ago whilst they were both drunk]

241. [voice over] This wasn't the first time a woman kicked me in the cherries and called me a rat but it was the first time I didn't mind.

242. [An inmate walks up to Randy]

243. [shaking head] Sometimes I don't like the world we live in.

244. [Goes back under the covers]

245. [looking at a sudoku puzzle] Do you know a three letter word that might have a 6 in it?

246. [opens jumpsuit] Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across the mighty river with these puppies!

247. [voice-over] You might think that getting so drunk that you accidentally marry a women who's six months pregnant is a good reason to stop drinkin'. Personally, I think it's a good reason to keep drinkin'.

248. [after a trailer near them blows up] People who *make* meth shouldn't *do* meth. It's always the second batch that blows up.

249. [Airplane flies overhead]

250. [voiceover] Back in 1996, Joy had a bright idea on how to make some extra money.

251. [using voicebox] I travel a lot for work.

252. [Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!] [Earl turns to the man behind him] Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid.

253. [Pierre has just punched Earl out]

254. [about Frank] The guy can make wine out of shampoo. I'm not sure even Jesus can do that.

255. [Looking at the picture of the Bargain Bag truck Joy stole] Not going to buy it.

256. [holds up wood samples]

257. [in Spanish, appearing as if she were telling Joy off] I want to take this moment to thank our Latino audience for watching. And for those of you who can understand me but who are not Latino, I want to commend you for learning a second language.

258. [eating the Frosted Flakes that Joy took from Earl] Hey, Earl, thanks for the Flakes!

259. [breathes a sigh of relief]

260. “Life is like a one-way street, Earl. You can’t turn back, but you can always change directions.”

261. [to Darnell] When the bar closes let's do it on the pool table like Jodie Foster did in that porno.

262. [picks up phone] Nice jumpsuit.

263. [Kenny hands in Ralph's typing]

264. “You gotta do good to get good, Earl. It’s as simple as that.”

265. [introducing himself] You know that guy you see going into the convenience store when you stop off at that little town on the way to grandma's house? A sort of shifty looking fella who buys a pack of smokes, a couple of lotto scratchers and a tall boy at ten in the morning? The kind of guy you wait for to come out before you and your family go in? Well, that guy is me. My name is Earl. And if you took the time to really get to know me, find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotyping me because of the way I look, well, you'd be wasting your time, because I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that isn't nailed down.

266. [Darnell grabs two plants and jumps out of the window] Hey, come back here! Dammit!

267. [Sitting in the bar with Randy] I know it was wrong. I do. But it's not like he didn't push me there. He was never home. And when he was well, let's just say your father does not know his way around a woman's body. [Randy has panic in his eye] He's got two moves: Squeeze-the-Charmin and Poke-Around-Down-There like he's trying to pop a balloon. [Gesticulating to emphasize Carl's "moves"]

268. [opens her present, car keys] Oh my God! Oh my God! Wait, these are my keys.

269. “You can’t run away from your past, Earl. You gotta face it head-on.”

270. [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter] [With a cocky jaunt of the head] I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.

271. [Oblivious] I mean, what do I have to do? Draw him a map of my vagina?

272. [Looking at the COPS camera] Ooh, we're lucky; it's 'Oklahoma'. Usually when Mr. Stack takes over the stage he sings 'My Fair Lady'.

273. [to the stewardess]

274. [at copy machine] Can we get some more green ink in this machine?

275. [Looking into the 'COPS' camera and grinning] That was me; yeah, I hit that.

276. [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?

277. My eyes locked with the fury's and I smiled. She hesitated. I snapped to my feet. Bitch, please. - Author: Jennifer L. Armentrout

278. [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.

279. [sighs]

280. [going to bed while Earl and Randy drink beer and watch cartoons] There better be some beers left over for Christmas morning!

281. (Randy opens the door) Earl: Randy? Randy: No. (Closes the door again)

282. [IMG] code is On

283. [Earl looks blankly at her, but eventually starts talking.]

284. [Reeling in pain, Joy crumples on the bathroom floor] OW! Damn it! You got me whichyer heel!

285. [voiceover] Joy knew that video is the only thing close to a will I have, and normally she's not violent, but money makes people crazy.

286. [voice-over] A few days later, me and Frank found out we were convict matches for two ladies who wrote to us and were coming to visit. Randy even hooked us up with a conjugal apartment.

287. [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, who you gonna call?

288. [Question for MentaL] Why ban the dev "Niicke"? Is Renting Files Reason for Banning?

289. [disappointed] A Box, you want a box. You want the Number Three Package, with the Blue suit, the Hillview Plad, Pachelbel's Canon in D on Organ, with the Stargazer Lillies, and a card with the Twenty-Third slam on it.

290. [reading Busted: Now What?, a Guide for Dummies-type book] I need a Dummies' guide for the Dummies' guide. Half this stuff looks like it's written in Latin. I can't even understand the damn cartoons!

291. [Singing to the tune of the "COPS" theme]

292. [shaking her head side-to-side] That means nothing.

293. [Earl and Randy are working out how to convince Catalina to work for Chubby again so he'll pay Joy's bail]

294. [voiceover] It was at that moment I realized Joy had no idea that the money was in the car.

295. [Looking for Jesse] Hey Crabman.

296. [repeated line]

297. [Earl prepares to surprise Randy with a new car, and Catalina is showing it off]

298. [after falling down with his pants around his ankles] I skinned my pecker!

299. [Darnell enters the room] Oh, my God, it's a negro, we're being robbed.

300. [looking for escaped prisoner] Okay look, we have 46 hours, Frank couldn't have gotten that far. Where's the ice cream store?

301. [about two worms on the ground] Hey, that one looks kinda angry... maybe we should cut him in half and make him fight himself.

302. [Randy is helping a scantily-clad Catalina warm-up before her pole dancing routine]

303. [Randy sits down at bar beside Joy] Randy, you look stressed... what's the matter, Punkin'? Any words on the menu you're stuck on?

304. [looking at a walnut between his thumb and forefinger] I'm gonna ask the judge to smash this walnut with his judge hammer. I bet it explodes like a Death Star!

305. [The series' last lines]

306. [the bomb has nothing but blue wires]

307. [Repeated line] Don't you judge me!

308. Her name was called Lady Helena Herring and her age was 25 and she mated well with the earl. - Author: Daisy Ashford

309. [voiceover] When we were married, I wasn't very good at backing up my wife in arguments with strangers.

310. [Earl and Randy are watching a drunk man attempting to plug a lightbulb attached to an electrical cord into a tree]

311. [Catalina has just found out that Earl wants her to dance - jump - to bail Joy out of jail] I will not jump for Joy!

312. [at the Crab Shack] For the love of God, pick something!

313. [watching TV] Don't embarrass me, don't embarrass me.

314. [angered] Oh, so you're on HER side?

315. “You mess with karma, she messes right back. It’s a balance, Earl.”

316. [Rapidly] Who's the cheatin-piece-of-trash-stumpet-who-doesn't-deserve-to-have-the-same-last-name-as-you, now! That's right. I read your Christmas letters.

317. [narrating] Somehow she figured out a way to make newspapers even more boring.

318. I am the Earl of Ravensmoor. And you are? (Sparhawk) Totally freaking out. (Taryn) Tis a most peculiar name, milady. Are you by chance Welsh? (Sparhawk) - Author: Sherrilyn Kenyon

319. [trying to sing the Cops theme] Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna say?