500 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes (2023)

1. “[groans] you know, life.”

2. “I’ve been described as an ‘old soul’ – I think that’s just a polite way of saying ‘depressed’.”

3. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. ”

4. “I’m never sure if I’m watching a show or if the remote just fell into my hand.”

5. “It seems like everyone, everywhere, is super mad about everything, all the time. ”

6. “Being married is so nice, I never thought relationships were supposed to make you feel better about yourself.”

7. “Although I walked by a house that was haunted in Los Angeles once, I didn’t know it was haunted.”

8. “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?’.”-John Mulaney

9. “I definitely look like a toddler. I feel comfortable and I have a lot of fun out there. And if I were to be extremely egotistical, I’d say I got a tiny bit better. ”

10. “Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken”

11. “Sometimes people would say “what do you think you’re doing?” But that just meant “stop. ””

12. “I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.'”-John Mulaney

13. “I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute. ” – John Mulaney

14. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all. ’

15. “And then slowly, I was like, ‘Nah, I don’t like this house.’ “

16. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. ”

17. “Cancelling plans is like h***in, it is an amazing feeling.”

18. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”

19. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. “May I see my stuff please?” “Ahhh, I smell a robot! Prove, prove, prove! Prove to me you’re not a robot! Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal, if ye be. You look and you type what you think you see! Is it an E or is it a 3? That’s up to ye. The passwords that passed, you correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” ****in’ what?!”

20. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. ”

21. “I never know what I’m thinking because I’m thinking about so many things at once that my thoughts are swirling together like a bunch of confused hummingbirds.”

22. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. ”

23. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

24. Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti - those were the people I was always doing open mics with.

25. “I don’t look older; I just look worse. ”

26. “If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word. ”

27. “My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it's kind of hilarious.”

28. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long. ”

29. They terrify me to this day. [. . . ] Eighth-graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even need to look at you for long, they'll just be like, "hey, look at that high-waisted man, he got feminine hips". And I'm like, "no, that's the thing I'm sensitive about!"

30. “You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments! That you win!”

31. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it.”-John Mulaney

32. “What is college? Stop going till we figure it out cause I have no idea for what it was.”

33. “By 2029, I’ll be drinking moon juice with President Johnathan Taylor Thomas. ”

34. “I almost majored in theater when I was in school, but eventually switched to economics which is what I am now working on in graduate school.”

35. “…I was like, this guy might be a keeper.” [laughter] I started doing drugs when I was 14 with my two best friends, John and John. They’re not me. They’re other people.

36. “Mulaney: Okay. So…” [cheerfully] “I had two ideas for a talk show once.” [in normal voice] Let’s pause and appreciate that sentence for a sec. “I had two ideas for a talk show once.” [high-pitched] “And by ideas, I mean, I thought about them in the privacy of my own room.”

37. “Can we get one photo where we all look nice?” We’re like, “I don’t think this motherfucker’s doing that well.”

38. “You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments!”

39. “When I was in grade school, I was bullied for being Asian- American. Now the biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”

40. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

41. “I look back on being seventeen and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’”

42. For those of you who don't know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all 'Eye of the Tiger' and soldiers on.

43. “I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back. The butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, ‘What did I sit in?’ And it was me. ”

44. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert. ”

45. “I don’t make plans anymore, so I’m not living minute to minute. ”

46. “Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that's awesome.”

47. “My little boy blue.” [laughter] “I heard your ass is in rehab.” “How you doing, dog?”

48. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”

49. “According to the Girl Scouts’ website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything. ”

50. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ”

51. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”-John Mulaney.

52. “Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time, it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped. ” – John Mulaney

53. “When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. ”

54. “Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them. ” – John Mulaney

55. “I love doing stand-up. It’s a lot of work but it’s so rewarding because you really get to connect with the audience.” “I grew up with a lot of odd fears, like pyramids and a fear that I would be killed by a tumbleweed someday.”

56. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day, I’ll die. ”

57. “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster. ”

58. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. ” – John Mulaney

59. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was funny.”

60. “I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. ”

61. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”-John Mulaney

62. “It’s important to remember that life is a joke and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don’t think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time. ”

63. “I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh but I love them so they stay.”-John Mulaney

64. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter. With my friends, I was still an extrovert. ”

65. “I’m a very straightforward person, but that’s fine for a comedian. Because a lot of times, you’re talking about everyone else. ”

66. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’

67. “If you’re comparing the badness of two words, and you won’t even say one of them? That’s the worse word. ”

68. I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years.

69. “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”-John Mulaney.

70. “It was funny to be an emcee, because you’re so at the mercy of the club. You can show up for the weekend hoping to get the $400, and get fired. I had to prank whoever they told me to prank. ”

71. “I think when I first walked past it, I knew what it was.”

72. “I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them. That’s just the way I am. They’re just my beliefs. I just like believing them.”

73. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. ”

74. “If I was at the Comedy Cellar at midnight, you yelled at the back of the room. But you, for television, play it to the camera because yes, you’re communicating to the people at home using the studio audience that’s right in front of you as a guide for that. ”

75. “I have found that people who really want to work at Saturday Night Live and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny, but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way. There’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it. ’”

76. “I wouldn’t put a trumpet on a radiator.” “I… Call me old fashioned but I believe in this strict segregation.” “You heard me. Segregation of metals within the home.” “Secondly, my brother has no rings and he never will.” “He never will. My brother, oh, he has no fingers.”

77. “You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. ” – John Mulaney

78. “It was like the doctor said to me- If this visit is to continue I have to stick a part of my hand into your a**.”

79. “It's important to remember that life is a joke, and that outlook grants a lot of perspective, but I don't think comedy should change and become political due to other things. It should just laugh at that cosmic joke that life is all the time.”

80. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. ” – John Mulaney

81. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”-John Mulaney

82. “Sometimes I’ll be talking to someone, and I’ll be like ‘Yeah, I’ve been really lonely lately’ and they’ll be like ‘Well we should hang out!’ and I’m like ‘No, that’s not what I meant. That’s not what I meant at all.”

83. “8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. ”

84. “Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They go, ‘hey, shh shh shh shh. ’ They’ve never spoken. ”

85. “Why do people shush animals? They’ve never spoken. ”

86. “I don’t make plans anymore. So, I’m not living minute to minute. ”

87. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”-John Mulaney.

88. “My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. ”

89. “I want to convince you that we’re all the same person, just trying to desperately fit in, and all we’re doing is just freaking each other out.”

90. “I don’t look older, I just look worse. ”

91. “My stand-up persona is like, ‘I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state. ’”

92. “In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

93. “I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don’t get a laugh, but I love them, so they stay. ”

94. “Yes, that’s the only time that I’ve really had a creeping sense of ghouls and ghosts out of nowhere, and then have it to be proven totally correct.”

95. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. ” – John Mulaney

96. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.”-John Mulaney

97. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. ”

98. “Hello, old friend.”

99. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”-John Mulaney

100. When I'm walking down the street I don't think anybody goes, 'Hey look at that man', they're just like 'Woah, that tall child looks terrible'.

101. “I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. ” – John Mulaney

102. “Why do people do that? People always shush animals. They’ve never even spoken!”

103. My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.

104. “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”

105. “The best-case scenario is everything goes perfect and smooth, but we’re also a new and weird show. So all my conversations were, ‘Hey, last night didn’t go perfect, but we kind of know what we’ve got in store for everybody episode-wise. ’”

106. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. ”

107. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. ” – John Mulaney

108. “I’m not doing that well.”

109. “…Oscar winner, Al Pacino!” “Pacino from the Italian.” “‘Pa’ meaning Daddy, and ‘Chino, ‘ meaning khaki pants.”

110. “I had a lot of fun writing things that died during dress rehearsal. Sometimes, I remember the crazy ones that died even more fondly than the ones that did really well. ”

111. “You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one look at me or I’ll kill myself’.”

112. Quotes for MLK Day

113. All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

114. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. ”

115. “Bill Clinton fascinates me because, at the time, it seemed like his shenanigans and the people after him were the biggest political stories you could ever imagine. I remember when the 'Starr Report' was published in the newspaper, all of us were reading it in the high-school cafeteria, and a dean started taking the newspapers away from us.”

116. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”

117. “It’s been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I’m like, ‘Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?’ Because I’m trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up. ”

118. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”-John Mulaney.

119. “I stayed in college for two years, two whole years. Spent my afternoons at the library, my evenings at communi– hang on, there’s a knock on the door, hold your horses.”

120. “I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, ‘Oh, yeah, I could be like that. ’”

121. “They’re long gone.” Good night, Boston. Thank you very, very much.

122. “It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, ‘Yeah, you should be nervous.’ Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, ‘Relax. Shut up.’ And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.”-John Mulaney

123. “My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”-John Mulaney

124. “I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room.”

125. “I’m not doing that well.” “Oh, yeah, no one’s going to blame you.” Now…

126. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. ”

127. “I like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on. Nick Kroll does that a lot. He doesn’t watch important shows. He’ll just turn on a documentary on Mia Hamm and watch it for an hour. Whatever’s on, we watch. ”

128. “In every case, I find pre-planning noble, but not always that useful in comedy. ”

129. “I wouldn’t put a trumpet on a radiator.” “I… Call me old fashioned but I believe in this strict segregation.” “You heard me. Segregation of metals within the home.” “Secondly, my brother has no rings and he never will.” “He never will. My brother, oh, he has no fingers.”

130. “13 year olds are the meanest people in the world. ”

131. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. ”

132. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. ”

133. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die. ” – John Mulaney

134. I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.

135. “I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.”-John Mulaney

136. “This line has been compromised.” [laughter] I was in rehab for two months from December 18th to February 20th. I was there January 6th during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. [laughter] ‘Cause I would have made sure. I would have made sure it didn’t.

137. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”-John Mulaney

138. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”-John Mulaney

139. I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

140. “He has a stump.”

141. “I put up with a lot when I’m travelling. Like I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. Now I don’t want to name an actual airline, so let’s make one up. Let’s call it Delta Airlines.”

142. “I’ve been fortunate enough to have been able to attend Standford University as an undergraduate and from that experience, I have some thoughts on the college experience.”

143. “Sometimes, I, with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m-’ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over. ’”

144. “8th graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long. ”

145. “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”-John Mulaney

146. “Excuse me: I am homeless. I am gay. I have AIDS. I’m new in town.”

147. “If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial. ”

148. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. ” – John Mulaney

149. “When I walk down the street I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. ”

150. Now I get to say, 'my wife' which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It's fun to say 'my wife'. I'm looking forward to saying it a lot. 'Get away from my wife!' 'No one talk to my wife!' 'I didn't kill my wife!'.

151. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them. ”

152. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. ” – John Mulaney

153. I really like one-liners; I like a lot of different kinds of stand-up, but I’ve always been long-winded. ”

154. “Things don’t exist until they exist. ”

155. “I’m a very straightforward person. But that’s fine for a comedian. Because, a lot of times, you’re talking about everyone else. ”

156. My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.

157. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter... With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”

158. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. ”

159. Just because you're accurate doesn't mean you're interesting.

160. “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night, and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their thirties called ‘Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months, and It Doesn’t Matter at All. ’”

161. “I had a brief moment where I was thinking, ‘Is smoking a grill?’”

162. “When you’re a kid, you think your father is Superman. Then you grow up and realize he’s just a regular guy who wears a cape.”

163. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun or, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ” – John Mulaney

164. “My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious. ”

165. “And that is myself!” “Seventy-nine year old…”

166. “The worst thing about Halloween is, of course, candy corn. It’s unbelievable to me. Candy corn is the only candy in the history of America that’s never been advertised. And there’s a reason – all of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 19”

167. “I’ve been described as an ‘old soul’ – I think that’s just a polite way of saying ‘depressed’.”

168. “Maybe I just have high self-esteem, but I have a lot that I really enjoy. ”

169. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped. ”

170. I just–all day long–I wander into traffic. Walking like Charlie Chaplain while listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast. ”

171. I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away —​ then they’re just pants.

172. “Where is that?”

173. “Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome. ”

174. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter. ”

175. “I was coming into my apartment building one night, and I saw, in front of my building, a wheelchair knocked over on its side. With no one in it. That’s a bad thing to see. Something happened there. You hope it was a miracle, but probably not. Probably something worse. ”

176. “My sister said, ‘I don’t want them to think I’m ugly.’ If they refused you, they thought you were ugly.”

177. “You can do good work by simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. ”

178. “You can't always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

179. “And now there’s new Nazis! I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. ”

180. So you can imagine the king of stress that I am under. ”

181. “I like to tell jokes about things that I’m interested in, and I’m not really interested in that many things, so I just kind of tell jokes about the things I know.”

182. College was like a four-year game show called 'Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?'.

183. “Wealth is so disturbing when it’s concentrated in 500 people.”

184. “My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it’s kind of hilarious.”-John Mulaney

185. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?'” – John Mulaney

186. “Whether you’re a success or not, it’s always tough not to think about the future.”

187. “I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table. ”

188. “So maybe I faked the bad vibes.”

189. “But if I do go on that show I’ll put it in my contract that I don’t have to travel or eat any bugs or anything like that.”

190. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them–especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of… like… instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ”

191. “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law & Order in my apartment. ”

192. My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. 'How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?'

193. “I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen. And I just want you all to know that, if you’re ever on the highway behind me, I hear you honking. And I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either. And I sure would like to get out of it. ”

194. “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”-John Mulaney

195. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. ”

196. “All right.” “Petting your strong leg gives me confidence.” [laughter] “If I can lift your hoof, it means I’m ready to have my own apartment.” [laughter] When I first got to rehab, one of my biggest fears, was that everyone was going to recognize me. Gradually… [faint laughter] …a new fear took over.

197. “What do you mean, what kind of rings does my brother wear?” He goes, “Well… uh, if your brother wears rings of yellow or white gold, you may not want a rose gold watch.” “As you may know, you should never mix metals.” I go, “First off, I’m insulted you only think I might know that.” [laughter] “I definitely know that as well as all other facts.” [laughter] “I never mix…” “I wouldn’t put, uh, an aluminum can next to a teakettle.”

198. “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’”

199. “This guy being the president, it’s like a horse being loose in a hospital.” – John Mulaney, There is a horse in the hospital

200. “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. ” – John Mulaney

201. And then one day I’ll die. ”

202. “I had a run-in with a 2-year-old girl. I know there are better ways to start that story.”

203. I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.

204. “That… He has a stump of a hand.” “That’s what the watch is for. Don’t you see?” “The watch will adorn the stump, so that when he looks down at this foul thing, he will see the beautiful watch.” “And he will think only of the generosity of his little brother and not the horrible Vitamix accident that claimed his digits.” “Sell me the watch, please.”

205. Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.

206. “I really set out to do this traditional looking and traditional sounding multi-cam sitcom, but then make the world as elastic as an animated show could be. Make the world as surreal as we wanted it to be. ”

207. “Hello, old friend.”

208. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. ” – John Mulaney

209. “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep’?”

210. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up. ”

211. “I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on.”

212. “My vibe is like, hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I'll apologise to you.”

213. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on was funny. ”

214. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.”

215. “I never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I’d tell all of you. ”

216. “I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the ’80s. Every comedian.”-John Mulaney

217. I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I'm not Asian-American.

218. “When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast. ”

219. “And then I found out it was called the murder house of Los Feliz.”

220. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. ” – John Mulaney

221. “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”

222. “I look back on being 17 and think, “Oh my God, how did I not die?” – John Mulaney

223. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter with my friends, I was still an extrovert.”

224. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it. There's just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”

225. I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!

226. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”-John Mulaney

227. I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people. ”

228. “I'm pretty self-critical about everything I've ever done.”

229. “I’m always in bed by 9 p.m. and I have nothing to prove.”

230. “There are a lot of great jokes you can sit down and write, but that’s just a written joke, versus the comedy of the situation. Ideally, you’re pulling as much comedy out of the situation as you can. ”

231. “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants.”-John Mulaney.

232. “And then I go over to the Delta Help Desk, which is an oxymoron, and I go, "Can I please go home on an airplane?" and they go "No! In fact, we"re gonna frame you for murder, and you're gonna go to jail for thirty years!"

233. My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don't think we had a family dinner where one didn't come up.

234. “No Mr. Music is not okay he’s having a lot of trouble. ”

235. “I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.”

236. I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said 'Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?' and I said, 'Yes', But here’s the thing....

237. “You have an imagination, you have a movie theater in your mind that plays arguments!”

238. “I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion. ” – John Mulaney

239. “In terms of, like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

240. Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?

241. “You know comedy once you’re doing it. ”

242. “I don't make plans anymore. So I'm not living minute to minute.”

243. “How has your creative process been impacted by this year?”

244. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. ” – John Mulaney

245. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch, nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. ”

246. “The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. ”

247. “People having expectations maybe means they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. ”

248. “Mulaney: It doesn’t give me a bad vibe anymore.”

249. “When my dad came home from work, my mom told him that she found 2 cigarettes and a cosmopolitan which prompted my dad to ask- How does he know how to make a cosmopolitan?”

250. “Task Failed Successfully”. More than just an Awesome Meme!

251. “I don’t know what’s weirder: that I’m a comedian, or that I’m a comedian who wears suits.” VINTAGE CAR QUOTES

252. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s—as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it. ”

253. “Mulaney: Are you talking about a multi-cam, live audience sitcom, The way I did it?”

254. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’”

255. “Maybe that is where rhythm comes from, I think. Our earliest understanding of rhythm. The sound of our own breath, the beating of our own hearts.”

256. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. ”

257. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for. ” – John Mulaney

258. “GQ: I want to talk to you about how this year has been for you creatively because around this time last year, you were coming off of the Sack Lunch Bunch, which was arguably one of your biggest creative risks, and it really paid off.”

259. My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. 'How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?'

260. “It’s wrong to make fun of people but it’s so fun sometimes. ”

261. “You remember being 12, when you’re like, ‘No one will look at me or I’ll kill myself. ’”

262. “I don’t make plans anymore. So I’m not living minute to minute.”-John Mulaney

263. I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I've always enjoyed it.

264. 13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don't like about you. They don't even have to look at you for long. They'll just be like 'Ha, ha, ha, ha hey look at the high waisted man. He got feminine hips' And I'm like 'No! That's the thing I'm sensitive about'.

265. “College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep?’.”-John Mulaney

266. “If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”-John Mulaney.

267. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”

268. “Reason I’m calling you five times… I think I’m going to get blamed for this.” “Yeah, I’m getting suspicious that when the American public hears about the drug relapse of John Mulaney, they will logically…”

269. “I have a lot of personal beliefs, but I don’t impose them on my work.”

270. “So I have this new phenomenon in my life where like late at night on the street women will see me as a threat. That is funny. It’s kinda flattering in its own way but it’s weird because I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.”

271. “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! And my dad pulled into the drive-thru, and we started cheering and then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving.”

272. “Sometimes, people would say, ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ But that just meant, ‘Stop. ’”

273. “Mulaney: [excitedly] If you heard that spoon drop, it’s ’cause I’m eating a bowl of fruit loops.”

274. “I love Law & Order and I miss Jerry Orbach more than I do certain dead relatives.”

275. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out, and I would ruin parties. ”

276. “I’ve always believed that you often need less. You don’t need to hear why people are friends, you don’t need to hear why people are roommates, you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something. ”

277. “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term. ” – John Mulaney

278. “I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV. ”

279. “If I’m on the street on like a Friday at 3 P.M and I see a group of 8th graders on one side of the street, I’ll cross the street because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way.”

280. “You thought they were gonna what?” “You know, like on Intervention.” “I thought they were gonna tackle you.” “That’s To Catch a Predator.” [laughter] “Are you disappointed now that they’re not gonna tackle me?” He went, “Yeah, I’m a little disappointed.” I sit down in my chair, I face all these rats. [laughter] Look. Let me just call this out now, I don’t mean to be weird. It was a star-studded intervention. [laughs] It was like a good group. It was a good group. As mad as I was when I walked in there, I was like, “This is a good lineup. This is very…” “This is really flattering in its own way.” It was like a “We Are the World” of alternative comedians over the age of 40. All comedians. Yet no one said a funny thing the entire night. Before I got there, they promised each other that they wouldn’t do bits. [laughter] I was going psychotic. I am sitting there in an awful chair, crashing from cocaine. No one will let me go to the bathroom to freshen up. [laughter] And the funniest people in the world are staring at me, refusing to do jokes! It was maddening! Fred Armisen was serious. [laughter] Do you know how off-putting that is? [laughter] He didn’t do a character or a voice. He was just like, [as Fred Armisen] “Hey, John, I’m really worried about everything that you’re going through.” And I was like “Ah! Next! Next!” [laughter] By the way, for most of this intervention, I was determined not to go to rehab. a.k.a., “Lose.” [laughter] My plan was to destabilize the leader lady.

281. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then, one day, I’ll die. ”

282. “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting. ” – John Mulaney

283. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it. ”

284. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”-John Mulaney

285. “Sometimes, I, with comedy, it’s like someone liking you in high school. They either do, or they don’t. And when they don’t, they don’t. And that’s it. There are no appeals. You show up, and you’re like, ‘Hi! I’m-’ and you stumble, and they’re like, ‘It’s over. ’”

286. “‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’’ You’re not allowed to milk a cow that you don’t own. That’s not even a situation. Was that a problem at one point?” – John Mulaney

287. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them. ”

288. “…I wasn’t sure about you in the beginning of the night, but… when I saw you buy those two 24 packs of Natty Light, using quarters and dimes…”

289. “I had a producer tell me I couldn’t use the word midget because it was ‘worse than the n-word’… First off… No, it’s not. If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word. ” – John Mulaney

290. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. ” – John Mulaney

291. “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. ” – John Mulaney

292. “I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, ‘Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?'”-John Mulaney.

293. “I asked my doctor, what’s the cure for acid reflux? He said it’s simple. Stop drinking caffeine, stop eating red meat, stop eating fried food, stop drinking alcohol, stop smoking, and don’t eat anything after 6pm. I said, ‘So basically, you’re asking me to stop living?’”

294. “My brothers and sisters and I had this babysitter named Veronica when we were kids, and I was in love with her. I was in love with Veronica. She would babysit us on Saturday nights.”-John Mulaney.

295. “I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. ”

296. “I love college football. It’s just like the professional NFL, except the players are all born in the same year.”

297. “I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for, like, 28 years.”-John Mulaney

298. “I remember writing stand-up jokes without having done sets. But as soon as I did my first set, it didn’t matter. Everything I thought would work, didn’t work. And everything I was iffy on, was funny. ”

299. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them – especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin,”

300. By 2029, I'll be drinking moon juice with President Jonathan Taylor Thomas

301. “Some of the best comedians don’t tell jokes – they just tell stories that are funny.”

302. “GQ: Oh!”

303. “My vibe is like, ‘Hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. ’”

304. Irish people don't want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It's like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.

305. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. ”

306. “When I was a kid, Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table.”

307. “You have your law practice; and me, I have all these fucking markers. ”

308. “I remember one time I was in bed, and my dad came in and he said ‘Good night, John! Did you brush your teeth?’ and I said, ‘Yes’, But here’s the thing….”-John Mulaney

309. “Did you get a chill or a bad vibe?”

310. I never knew you were supposed to push off of your feet when you walked. And I tried it, and I walked much faster.

311. “…of yellow gold, and silver gold.”

312. “It’s always weird when I like to go out with some money and black out with no money. But it was a lot weirder when I’d go out with some money and blackout with more money. That meant I had earned money by Trading goods and or services.”

313. “My dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a Cosmopolitan, which prompted my dad to ask. ‘How does John know how to make a Cosmopolitan?'”-John Mulaney.

314. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”-John Mulaney.

315. “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting.”-John Mulaney

316. “Email viruses bring people together in amazing ways. ”

317. “My vibe is like, ‘hey, you could probably pour soup in my lap, and I’ll apologize to you. ’”

318. “I cannot give you a Schedule II narcotic under Pennsylvania state law.” And I said, “Pennsylvania state law?” “Well, what if we go to a pharmacy in New Jersey?” [laughter] You see, I thought he was telling me about a predicament that we were both caught up in.

319. “Occasionally, you get that one person that says, ‘I really like that one part of this joke,’ and you go, ‘Oh thank you that’s my favorite part too. ’ But no, in order for it to be authentic, hopefully you have jokes that everyone can just get on board with and then you have a few things for yourself. ”

320. “Please kill one of my grandparents so I can get attention too.” I did. I did do that. And some of you did, too. And I know you did because you started laughing from the very beginning of the joke. [laughter] If you did, don’t feel too bad, okay? Yes, it’s a super dark memory. But you were a little kid. Also, you were a little kid, so you probably still had, like, four grandparents.

321. “An episode that is near and dear to my heart is the entire cast in one room for the night because we get bed bugs in our apartment building so we have to stay with Martin Short. ”

322. “Being president looks like the worst job in the world. ”

323. “My email got hacked recently but it was kinda cool. They sent a spam link to everyone in my address book which is kinda nice because I don’t keep in touch with people. So that’s my bit for the year, that’s my Christmas card. It was nice. Email viruses bring people together in weird ways.”

324. “If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them, that’s the worse word.”

325. I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it gets pretty close. You have to be funny - but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way - there's a lot of people who say, 'I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it'.

326. “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.”

327. “I don’t know what it’s like moments before you get killed by a hitman, but I’m sure it’s not unlike moments before you are on a subway and a mariachi band starts playing.”

328. “I like that idea that what I do might be mainstream—might be. ”

329. I don't look older, I just look worse.

330. “I played basketball for five years and I was a benchwarmer all five years. If you were never a benchwarmer, I cannot express to you the humiliation of every Saturday morning, putting on a pair of breakaway pants and never having a reason to break them away — then they’re just pants. ” – John Mulaney

331. “GQ: No.”

332. “I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don't feel comfortable, with my background, weighing in unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience.”

333. Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

334. “And then I found out that it had a terrible history.”

335. “Nick Kroll, A.D. Miles, Chelsea Peretti – those were the people I was always doing open mics with.”-John Mulaney

336. “I’m pretty self-critical about everything I’ve ever done: stand-up, ‘SNL.'”

337. “Is this some kind of a riddle?” [laughter] “Is this the initiation to some Yale White People Society?”

338. “GQ: Okay.” [soft laughter] “I’m going to let you go.” “I don’t want to take too much of your time away from the fruit loops.”

339. “My, oh my, apparently just incredibly haunted, and I’m talking like Poltergeist haunted.”

340. “People having expectations may mean they’ve enjoyed what I’ve done. ”

341. “Mulaney: I walked past what is supposedly the most haunted building in New York City.”

342. “College was like a four-year game show called “Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?” – John Mulaney

343. It’s nice when you’re nervous and everybody’s like, 'Yeah, you should be nervous.' Because a lot of times you’re anxious and people say, 'Relax. Shut up.' And that just feels like, Well, I guess I’m also crazy.”

344. “I’m never gonna get justice for my mother.” I always wanted attention in school, like to a sick degree. I really… I mean, I don’t know if you guys ever had this feeling, but do you remember when you were in elementary school, grammar school, and a kid in your class would come to school one day and you’d find out their grandparent had died. And they would get, like, so much attention.

345. “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”-John Mulaney.

346. “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. ”

347. “If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?”

348. “I do longer runs on things—a lot of stories. I really like one-liners. I like a lot of different kinds of stand-up but I’ve always been long-winded. ”

349. “Traveling can get kind of lonely sometimes, er… no, not traveling. What is the word? Life. Life can get kind of lonely.”

350. “One day a homeless guy walked up to me and pushed me and said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town. You’re going to close with New in town?”

351. “My stand-up persona is like I’ll heighten things, but I’m observing the world as it is in sort of a heightened emotional state. ”

352. My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.

353. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair. ”

354. “A lot of people think that you have to be an extrovert to be a stand-up comedian, but I think one of the greatest strengths of comedians is their crippling social anxiety.”

355. “And then he ordered one black coffee for himself and kept driving. ” – John Mulaney

356. “You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.”

357. I don't make plans anymore. So I'm not living minute to minute.

358. “And as we both know…”

359. “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long. ” – John Mulaney

360. “Most open-mic experiences I had were okay.”-John Mulaney.

361. “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”

362. “I think eventually, everything’s gonna be okay, but I have no idea what’s gonna happen next. And neither do you. And neither do your parents. ”

363. “It's been very funny to try to act like an adult. Even getting dressed. Every day, I'm like, 'Should I wear a blazer and walk around with an umbrella? Do I carry a briefcase?' Because I'm trying to be some image of the adults I saw on TV growing up.”

364. “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about. ”

365. Being president looks like the worst job in the world.

366. “Having done stand-up on television and in stand-up specials like Comedy Central, you learn quickly that for that type of performance you’re playing to the camera. ”

367. “Here’s how you meditate. You sit on the floor with your back completely straight, which I hate more than ISIS.”

368. “13-year olds are the meanest people in the world. ”

369. “I stopped drinking when I was 23. I kind of started when I was 13, so it was a 10-year run. But I just became a bad, annoying, drunk child, so when I stopped, I’d done a lot of things I wasn’t proud of. ”

370. “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American. ”

371. “Drive up the hill to the brick dorm and you’ll see a 38-year-old man outside in a robe who’s so excited.”

372. If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.

373. “They call me Baby J out on these streets.”

374. “I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV.”

375. “GQ: Okay.”

376. “Mulaney: It’s a vacuum cleaner store, and it’s on 14th between 5th and 6th, and it used to be a boarding house.”

377. “It’s like there’s a horse. Loose in a hospital. ”

378. “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’” – John Mulaney

379. “My mom would blame me for things that happened on the news. That is true.”-John Mulaney

380. “Please kill one of my grandparents so I can get attention too.” I did. I did do that. And some of you did, too. And I know you did because you started laughing from the very beginning of the joke. [laughter] If you did, don’t feel too bad, okay? Yes, it’s a super dark memory. But you were a little kid. Also, you were a little kid, so you probably still had, like, four grandparents.

381. “Or your son if he’s not an athlete.”

382. My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But in retrospect, it's kind of hilarious.

383. “…and immediately name… only one culprit.”

384. “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under.”-John Mulaney

385. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn’t be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”

386. It's 100% easier not to do things than to do them.

387. “But when you’re a little kid, you can’t say, ‘I don’t know,’ you should be able to. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. You should be able to write in, ‘I don’t know. I know you told me. But I have had a very long day. I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. ’ Or if it’s one of those true or false questions, you should be able to add a third option, which is, ‘who’s to say?’”

388. “Sometimes people ask – What do you think you’re doing? Now that just meant stop, they didn’t wanna know my thought process.” – John Mulaney, 33 Minutes of John Mulaney

389. “Very muted claps for Xanax. You don’t really get “whoo” it’s more like “eeuuuyeaaaaah. ””

390. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back. The butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. ”

391. “Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’. I’m looking forward to saying it a lot. ‘Get away from my wife!’ ‘No one talk to my wife!’ ‘I didn’t kill my wife!’.”-John Mulaney.

392. “A Lot of Little Guys are gay, they’re flowy and have opinions on things.” – John Mulaney, John Mulaney was supposed to be gay

393. “When I would just have a couple of drinks my brain would be like Okay, I see where this is headed, we’re just going to power down now and get restarted tomorrow morning.”

394. “College was like a four-year game show called, ‘Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?’”

395. “I’m one of the worst drivers I’ve ever seen, and I just want you all to know that if you’re ever on the highway behind me, uh, I hear you honking and I also don’t want me to be doing what I’m doing. I don’t like that I’m in that lane either, and I sure would like to get out of it!”-John Mulaney

396. “Hello…”

397. “I have found that people who really want to work at ‘Saturday Night Live’ and pursue it gets pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it’s kind of nice in that way – there’s a lot of people who say, ‘I just always wanted to do this, and now I’m doing it’.”-John Mulaney.

398. “I quit drinking because I used to drink too much, then I would black out and I would ruin parties. ” – John Mulaney

399. ” ‘I’m going to walk away from here with my dog.’ “

400. “Yo looks like we found s**en and faecal matter in the victim’s ear canal- Those are two actual things I heard on Law and Order: SVU at 3 in the afternoon.”

401. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. ”

402. You don’t need to hear why people are friends; you don’t need to hear why people are roommates; you don’t need to hear why someone would help a friend to do something. ”

403. If it's something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial.

404. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you.”

405. You ever seen on 'America’s Most Wanted' when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like 'This is what he would look like now'.

406. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here. ”

407. “But I can’t do it. I’m not sure I understand what the point is…I don’t know. It’s just that the only thing that I’m good at is jokes, and that’s just not useful in most things.”

408. “Understudies don’t normally get invited to openings. ”

409. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it. ”

410. “I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines. ” – John Mulaney

411. It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of 'Law & Order' in my apartment.

412. “You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. ” – John Mulaney

413. “When I was in school, my worst subject was math. They did this thing where they divided the class into two groups based on their ability. The first group was the Blue angels after the famous aviators and the other group was called Group 2. Oh, we were a swell bunch, we named ourselves.”

414. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time. ”

415. “…and that one bottle of Boone’s Farm for that really specific child…”

416. “I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have to be funny – but everyone who works there, it was their dream to work there. So it's kind of nice in that way – there's a lot of people who say: I just always wanted to do this, and now I'm doing it.”

417. “I kind of thought, ‘Wouldn’t it be funny to take a swing at being on the weird side of the mainstream?’”

418. “Going on the road for long stretches can seem daunting, and I certainly miss being home sometimes, but the chance to see so many different cities, let alone perform in them, is something I am really grateful for.”

419. “One idea would be just interviewing people who do anything that interests me.” “And I don’t mean like I’m on the ground and I’m watching them do their job.” “No, it would be like a talk show set.” “And they’d come out there. And there’d be a band and so forth.” [in normal voice] Okay, let’s pause right here. So, just to recap. I had two ideas… for a talk show once. And the first of these is a talk show. [laughter] [excitedly] “The other idea was to have a show and just have on only elderly people.” [laughter] “Which I obviously would not do now due to the risks.”

420. The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

421. “The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.”

422. “I’m Jewish and my wife is Catholic, so we have both holidays in our house. It’s a fun time, as long as we don’t have to talk about religion for any length of time.”

423. “Being president looks like the worst job in the world.”-John Mulaney

424. “Growing up, I always thought the ‘J’ in Jesus H. Christ stood for ‘ham’.”

425. “It's strange sometimes, you know, like I'm doing great. But when I'm alone, I'm with the person that tried to kill me. Sometimes I walk past a mirror, I'm like, 'Oh great, this fucking guy again. Jesus.' That is kind of a creepy feeling sometimes, but it's also a nice feeling. It gives me a strange kind of confidence sometimes. 'Cause, like, look, I... I used to care what everyone thought about me... so much. It was all I cared about. All I cared about was what other people thought of me. And I don't anymore. And I don't because I can honestly say: What is someone going to do to me that's worse than what I would do to myself? What, are you going to cancel John Mulaney? I'll kill him. I almost did.”

426. “Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn't be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.”

427. “In their letter they were like “hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money. ” Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. ”

428. I have tons of jokes with moments in them over the years in stand-up that don't get a laugh but I love them so they stay.

429. As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don't know, I just got quieter... With my friends, I was still an extrovert.

430. I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever's on.

431. “I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think: Oh, yeah, I could be like that.”

432. “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”

433. “Mulaney: If that’s what people take away from this, I’d be thrilled.” [laughter]

434. I used to sit around and think about what to do about quicksand! I never thought about how to handle real problems in adult life. I was never like, 'Oh, what’s it gonna be like when relatives ask to borrow money?'

435. “If something is very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it's truly funny, then it's worth doing. Things aren't worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”

436. “I don’t know what my body is for other than taking my head from room to room”

437. Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldn't be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

438. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”

439. “Let’s go in my car.” “You’re clearly ready to leave the grounds.” That was at 4:00 p.m. Three hours later, 7:00 p.m., I finally go to sleep. They give me enough of this drug called Librium, and I drop. They put a nurse in my hospital room to make sure I stay asleep ’cause I had been trouble. I’m not sure what it was exactly that got them so worried. But it might have been when I said, “I’m gonna pretend to go to sleep.” “And then when you’re all like, ‘He’s asleep, ‘ and you leave my room, I’m gonna run the fuck out of this rehab.” Something about saying that out loud, twice, to two different staff members had raised a few eyebrows. So now I’m asleep, though. I’m legitimately out cold. They have a nurse in my room to make sure I stay asleep. She’s sitting in a chair next to a bedside table. I’m asleep in the bed. My phone is face up on the bedside table next to her. Now, at this exact same time, about 7:00 p.m., my good friend Pete Davidson starts calling me.

440. “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me. ”

441. You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don't know what they're talking about.

442. “In terms of like, instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ”

443. “I may try out for American Idol next year,” says Mulaney. “It’s just no one ever calls me up anymore to sing, which is very upsetting.”

444. “It is 100% easier not to do things than to do them, and so much fun not to do them — especially when you were supposed to do them. In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin. ”

445. “I was new to acting on a stage in a narrative as opposed to acting on a stage as a stand-up. And like everything else, it’s just like comfort level. The first time I did stand-up, I was at a place called the B3 in New York on Third and Avenue B and I not only didn’t take the mic out of the stand, but I clutched the stand of the entire time. ”

446. I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the '80s. Every comedian.

447. “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky. ”

448. “I am very small and I have no money, so you can imagine the king of stress that I am under. ”

449. “You should be able to say, ‘I don’t know. ’ That should be an acceptable answer on a test. ”

450. “When you have something that you did so many jobs on and were so front and center on, and then people dislike it, you want to learn lessons from it, and you want to move on, and you want to move on too fast.”-John Mulaney.

451. “Mulaney: I would do the exact same show I did before, and the only thing I would change is the audience.”

452. “I was just kind of like, ‘Oh, what’s this house?’ “

453. “When I would watch an action movie as a kid, I would identify with the action hero who would help other people. Now when I watch action movies, I only identify with the side characters who are often in the corner rolling their eyes.”

454. “I’ll keep all my emotions right here, and then one day I’ll die. ”

455. “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?'”-John Mulaney

456. “I wish I could go tell the 12-year-old me, like, ‘Don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV. ’”

457. “If it’s something very, very funny but possibly controversial, if it’s truly funny, then it’s worth doing. Things aren’t worth doing for the sake of being controversial.”

458. “I look back on being 17 and wonder- Oh My God! How did I not die?”

459. I'm pretty self-critical about everything I've ever done: stand-up, 'SNL.'

460. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”

461. “Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers. ”

462. I’ll book a ticket on some garbage airline. I don’t wanna name an actual airline so let’s make one up, let’s just call it like Delta Airlines.

463. “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on. ”

464. “Now I get to say, ‘My wife,’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say, ‘My wife. ’”

465. “My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you. ” – John Mulaney

466. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American. ”

467. “They’re going to blame Daddy khaki pants.”

468. That should be an acceptable answer on a test. ”

469. “You could pour soup into my lap and I’ll probably apologize to you!”

470. You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair.

471. “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads.”-John Mulaney

472. “Irish people don’t want comfort. Look at a sweater made in Ireland. It’s like a turtleneck made out of Brillo pads. ” – John Mulaney

473. “You ever seen on ‘America’s Most Wanted’ when they age a photo of someone? Just take my kindergarten photo and yellow the teeth and put bags under the eyes and be like ‘This is what he would look like now’.”-John Mulaney

474. “I still like to turn on the TV and watch whatever’s on.”-John Mulaney

475. “You remember being twelve when you’re like, ‘No one looks at me, or I’ll kill myself. ’”

476. “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit. ” – John Mulaney

477. “I wish I could go tell 12-year-old me like: ‘I don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls; one day, you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV. ’”

478. “I’m more of a cats person because they’re just like miniature adults with their aloofness and judgment.”

479. “I love comedians that dive into politics. I personally don’t feel comfortable with my background weighing in, unless I have a take that I think is funny enough that I would put it in front of an audience. ”

480. “Now, I do not know if you have been following the news. But I have been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone, everywhere is super mad about everything all the time.”

481. “I have too many influences to name. I like a wide variety of stuff, which I think has been helpful. I liked every comedian I saw on TV growing up in the '80s. Every comedian.”

482. “As I got into high school and after puberty, I was a little more inward. I was a real extrovert when I was little, but I don’t know, I just got quieter… With my friends, I was still an extrovert.”-John Mulaney.

483. “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment. ” – John Mulaney

484. “It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. ”

485. I look back on being 17 and think, 'Oh my God, how did I not die?'

486. “I am very small and I have no money. So, you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under. ”

487. “Now I live in New York and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered. How’d you get lost in New York?”-John Mulaney

488. “When I’m walking down the street, I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man. ’ They’re just like, ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible. ’”

489. “I don’t look older, I just look worse.”

490. “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. ”

491. “Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re interesting. ” – John Mulaney

492. “I don’t look older, I just look worse.”-John Mulaney

493. “According to the Girl Scouts website you cannot buy Girl Scout cookies online. Do you know what you can buy online? Everything. ” – John Mulaney

494. “I don’t drink. I used to drink, then I drank too much and had to stop. That’s how drinking works.”

495. “I’ve been zoned out since 2014. I just–all day long–I wander into traffic. Walking like Charlie Chaplain while listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast. ”

496. “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”-John Mulaney

497. Here's how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the '30s -- as long as you weren't still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.

498. “I never turn on the crowd. Sometimes, you think it’s a terrible show, and then afterward, sometimes people say they really liked it. So turning on the crowd is only going to alienate the few people who might like it. ”

499. “…you must never mush metals.”

500. They terrify me to this because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you