700 Best Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud (2023)

1. “The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work, and then they get elected and prove it.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

2. Follow your passion, stay true to yourself, never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path then by all means you should follow that.

3. “If your Sunday doesn’t involve wine & yoga pants you’re doing it wrong.”

4. “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”~ Walter Matthau

5. ‘You never become a howling success by just howling.’ – Bob Harrington

6. “Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.” —Nicole Hollander, cartoonist

7. “I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” – Bill Gates

8. “May your Sunday be full of fun and laughter.” – Kate Summers

9. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”

10. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey

11. “Fridays are the hardest in some ways: you’re so close to freedom.” — Lauren Oliver

12. “My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”

13. Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.

14. As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy.

15. “It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

16. “My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.” ~ Bobby Bouche

17. “Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.”~ Joan Collins

18. ‘All paid jobs absorb and degrade the mind.’ – Aristotle

19. “Its always difficult to keep Fridays confined within themselves..they tend to spill over..” ― Parag Tipnis

20. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.

21. “Why is Monday so far away from Friday but Friday is so close to Monday?”

22. “Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded wheelchair.” ~ Dorothy Parker

23. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” ~ Mark Twain

24. ‘Failure is not an option-it comes bundled with the software.’ – Unknown

25. “Children really can brighten up a house, because they never turn the lights off.” – Ralph Bus

26. “Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!” – Dr. Seuss

27. “It’s bad luck to begin work on Fridays.” ― Southern Mothers

28. “Monday isn’t that bad to be honest, What makes it bad is living in it.” – Day

29. “Why does winter feel like one big Tuesday?” – Todd Stocker

30. ‘One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.’ – Bertrand Russel

31. “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Bernard Baruch

32. “I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

33. “Monday is great for becoming too busy to die.” – Roy Station

34. “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” —Oscar Wilde

35. “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

36. “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” —Henry Clapp, newspaper editor

37. “Saturday mornings, I’ve learned, are a great opportunity for kids to sneak into your bed, fall back asleep, and kick you in the face.” — Dan Pearce

38. “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.” ~ Bertrand Russell

39. “Sunday evenings often feel like the weekend is over before it’s even begun.” – Catherine McCormack

40. “Come, thou monarch of the vine, Plumpy Bacchus with pink eyne!”

41. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

42. “I’d take half an argument over half a silence any day. And I’d take peace and quiet over a full-blown argument any other day unless it’s Tuesday.” – Will Advise

43. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

44. ‘The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What’s the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you’d get a pulse.’ – Denise Miller

45. “Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.” – Joan Crawford

46. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”~ W. C. Fields

47. “Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I’m not going to make it, but you laugh inside—remembering all the times you’ve felt that way.” — Charles Bukowski

48. “It’s Friday! Time to go make stories for Monday.”

49. “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

50. “People are prisoners of their phone… that’s why it’s called a “cell phone.” ~ Invajy

51. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” ~ Charlie Brown

52. “I was going to sue for defamation of character, but then I realized I have no character.” —Charles Barkley, TV basketball analyst

53. ‘The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of its behind.’ – Joseph Stilwell

54. “You are only young once, but you can be immature for a lifetime. Happy birthday!” – Unknown

55. “The only people who still call hurricanes acts of God are the people who write insurance forms.” —Neil deGrasse Tyson, astrophysicist.

56. ‘Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you’re just sitting still?’ – J. Paul Getty

57. “We don’t grow old. When we cease to grow, we become old.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

58. “I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” – Unknown

59. “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”~ Groucho Marx

60. “You love flowers, but you cut them. You love animals, but you eat them. Now you tell me you love me, that’s why I’m scared!” ~ Anonymous

61. “The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.” ~ Josh Billings

62. “I’m easy like Sunday morning.” — Commodores

63. A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.

64. “If manhood, good manhood, be not forgotten upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring (a herring which has spawned).”

65. “I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” ~ W.C. Fields

66. “I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Unknown

67. “The next morning dawned bright and sweet, like ribbon candy.“ — Sarah Addison Allen

68. “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”~ Groucho Marx

69. “This must be Thursday. I could never get the hang of Thursdays.” – Douglas Adams

70. “Can I come in?

71. “I don’t want it good. I want it Tuesday.” – Jack L. Warner

72. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

73. “I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”

74. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” —Phyllis Diller

75. “It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.” —Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns N’ Roses

76. “Sunday, the day for the language of leisure.” – Elfriede Jelinek

77. “I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee.” – Unkown

78. “After 30, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler

79. “To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!” ~ Wanda

80. “Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.” ~ Oscar Wilde

81. “There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”

82. “Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

83. “Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.” – Unknown

84. “People still act differently on a Saturday night for no reason other than it’s Saturday night.” — Susan Orleans

85. “I’ve been married to one Marxist and one Fascist, and neither one would take the garbage out.” —Lee Grant, actress

86. “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”~ Andy Rooney

87. “Why it's simply impassible!

88. “I wish I had the confidence of the woman who boldly admits she’s the Miranda of her crew.” —Jessica Biel, actress

89. “‘It’s been a long week’ — Me, in the middle of Tuesday.”

90. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” —Matt Wohlfarth

91. “Turned all my Ls into lessons.” – Cardi B

92. Well, you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me.

93. “The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” ~ Dorothy Parker

94. “Margaritas in the moonlight, Just another American Saturday night.” — Brad Paisley

95. Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.

96. “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.” ~ Clairee Belcher

97. I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

98. People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

99. “You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.” – Unknown

100. ‘The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labour.’ – Wernher von Braun

101. Reality continues to ruin my life.

102. Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford.

103. “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.” – Bryan White

104. “Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don’t have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!” —Charlie Brown

105. “One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” – Jonathan Safran Foer

106. “You can’t fix stupid.” – Ron White

107. “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope

108. ‘Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock.’ –Pablo Picass0

109. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” ~ Charles M. Schulz

110. “It’s Friday morning mankind! Good vibe, don’t frown and let the monster see you smile!” — Napz Cherub Pellazo

111. “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” —Rod Stewart, rock star

112. “She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.” —Jean Webster, author

113. Everything I have I owe to this job... this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.

114. “Waiting for Wednesday.” – Lisa Loeb

115. “To quote Shakespeare: ‘Party thine ass off!’” – Unknown

116. “I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” ~ Henny Youngman

117. “It was like trying to break up with the color orange, or Wednesday, or silent e. It was the most passionate and tumultuous relationship I’d ever known.” – Rob Sheffield

118. “It is better to live one day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep.” —Donald Trump (retweeting a Benito Mussolini quote)

119. “I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends

120. “I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” – Marc Maron

121. “I don’t like Mondays, especially if they occur on Fridays.” – Jarod Kintz

122. “One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.”~ George Carlin

123. “Oh! It’s Friday again. Share the love that was missing during the week. In a worthy moment of peace and bliss.” — S. O’Sade

124. “A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.” – Demetri Martin

125. “If you fell down yesterday, stand up today.” – H. G. Wells

126. “If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays!” – John Wagner

127. “Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.” —Brendan Behan, Irish author

128. “One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory.” ~ Rita Mae Brown

129. “Saturday night’s alright for fighting, Get a little action in” — Elton John

130. “It’s a beautiful day, I think I’ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit.”

131. “I do desire we may be better strangers”

132. “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” – Charles M. Schulz

133. “Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.” ~ David Letterman

134. “Every dogma has its day.” – Anthony Burgess

135. “Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby—awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess.” – Lemony Snicket

136. “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. ”~ Albert Einstein

137. When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

138. “Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.” —President John F. Kennedy

139. “Villain, I have done thy mother.”

140. “People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.” ~ Mike Bechtle

141. “Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.” – Garry Moll

142. “There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”~ Oscar Levant

143. “Wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.” —Benjamin Franklin

144. Everybody wants to save the earth. No one wants to help mom do the dishes.

145. “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”~ Ashleigh Brilliant

146. “Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.” – Will Rogers

147. “Your Monday is not going to be like Saturday; the emotions are going to be different.” – Jean Grae

148. My dad has a suit just like that.

149. “Thine face is not worth sunburning.”

150. “Feeling blessed, never stressed. Got that sunshine on my Sunday best.” — Surfaces, “Sunday Best”

151. “Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.” – George Leedy

152. “There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.” ~ Mindy Kaling

153. “He suffers from delusions of adequacy.” —Walter Kerr, critic

154. “Today is Friday night, which means that the only decision that you should be making is whether to have a bottle or a glass of wine.”

155. “He was so narrow-minded, he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.” —Molly Ivins, author

156. “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” —Oscar Wilde

157. “If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?” ~ Cynthia Heimel

158. I drink to make other people more interesting.

159. “Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets.” —@askdadblog (John Kinnear)

160. You're wearing that?

161. “When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn’t matter who’s president.” —Louis CK

162. “Tuesday is a good day, you survived Monday. And tomorrow is Wednesday, half way through your work week!” – Kate Summers

163. “Let me wake up next to you, have coffee in the morning and wander through the city with your hand in mine, and I’ll be happy for the rest of my little life.” – Charlotte Eriksson

164. “Can you be a girl for a few seconds?"

165. “I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.” – H. Kyle Seale

166. “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

167. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle

168. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. Happy birthday!” – Unknown

169. “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

170. I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

171. “The world of the future is in our making. Tomorrow is now.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

172. “Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, and you should save it for someone you love.” —Butch Hancock, country musician.

173. I'm not crazy — I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years.

174. “He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.” —Samuel Johnson, 18th-century author

175. “He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” —Billy Wilder, director

176. “Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.”~ Gertrude Stein

177. ‘Beware of any enterprise requiring new clothes.’ – Henry Thoreau

178. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” ~ Noelle Chatham

179. “It can’t be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays.” – George Weah

180. ‘Success and failure are both difficult to endure. Along with success come drugs, divorce, fornication, bullying, travel, meditation, medication, depression, neurosis and suicide. With failure comes failure.’ – Joseph Heller

181. “Karaoke is the great equalizer.” —Aisha Tyler, talk show host

182. “Puns are the highest form of literature.”

183. “I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”~ Emo Philips

184. “Tuesday is neither here nor there in the hierarchy of the week.” – Anthony T. Hincks

185. “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

186. That man is hot. Look at him.

187. “You know there’s a problem when you realize that out of the three Rs, only one begins with an R.” —Dennis Miller, comedian

188. “Wednesdays are like Mondays in the middle of the week!” – Lee Fox Williams

189. “Like the song says, rainy days and Mondays always get ya down.” – Haruki Murakami

190. Don't be so humble — you are not that great.”

191. “What about Monday? That could be one day we look at things the same way and wear funny shoes.” – Kevin Dalton

192. “Trying is the first step toward failure.” ~ Homer Simpson

193. “Don’t follow your dreams, follow my Twitter: [insert Twitter handle].” – Unknown

194. “I like to think of myself less like ‘an adult’ and more like a ‘former fetus.’” – Anna Kendrick

195. “What do sharks do on Monday mornings? They get up and start biting. That’s me.” – Gemma Collins

196. “The funniest people are the saddest ones”

197. “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” – Greg Tamblyn

198. “I just realized that ‘Let me check my calendar’ is the adult version of ‘Let me ask my mom.’” —Noelle Chatham

199. “Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life because you become what you believe.” – Oprah Winfrey

200. “All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” ~ Casey Stengel

201. “The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.” – Robert Brault

202. The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

203. “What the hell is that?" I laughed.

204. “A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”~ Groucho Marx

205. “An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, ‘So far so good!’” —Anonymous

206. “I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre­determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” —Stephen Hawking, physicist

207. “If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it.” —Stephen Colbert

208. “Eggs are fantastic for a fitness diet. If you don’t like the taste, just add cocoa, flour, sugar, butter, baking powder and cook at 350 for 30 minutes.” ~ Anonymous

209. “The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

210. “Always remember that you are unique – just like everybody else.” – Unknown

211. ‘Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.’ – Earl Wilson

212. “Leave something for someone but don’t leave someone for something.”~ Enid Blyton

213. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.” ~ Joan Rivers

214. A woman is like a tea bag: You can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

215. “You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and you’re excited for the day? That’s one of my main goals in life.” – Kirsten Dunst

216. “Thursday comes and the week’s gone.” – George Herbert

217. I've had great success being a total idiot.

218. “The only good Monday is a Monday in bed” – Lee Horton

219. “The days were heavy and sticky. All identical, one the same as the other. Soon they would even get rid of their one remaining distinction, the shell of their names: Monday, Tuesday, Thursday.” – Ismail Kadaré

220. “I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”

221. “Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” ~ John Wayne

222. “Love me like Saturday night, like three glasses of champagne, like the room is spinning, like you’re drunk on my love.” — C.J. Carlyon

223. “I don’t believe in reincarnation, and I didn’t believe in it when I was a hamster.” —Shane Richie, British actor

224. I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

225. The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

226. “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.” —Johnny Carson

227. “On Wednesdays we wear pink.” – Mean Girls

228. “My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates

229. ‘If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.’ – Woody Allen

230. “Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”

231. “Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher

232. “You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey

233. ‘Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes. – Lewis Grizzard

234. Be wise, because the world needs wisdom. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would.

235. “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” ~ Jimmy Kimmel

236. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

237. “Thursday is perhaps the worst day of the week. It’s nothing in itself; it just reminds you that the week has been going on too long” – Nicci French

238. “I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.” – Steven Wright

239. “Don’t let a day of the week have so much power over your happiness. Happy Monday!” – Andrea L’Artiste

240. “He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” ~ Charles de Gaulle

241. “Thinking about happy times on a Tuesday is like going to the beach when there is no sun.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent

242. “Instant gratification takes too long.” ~ Carrie Fisher

243. “The road to hell is paved with adverbs.” —Stephen King

244. Something smells funny.

245. “I really need a day between Saturday and Sunday.” — Anna Scott

246. ‘Make sure you have a vice president in charge of your revolution, to engender ferment among your more conventional colleagues.’ – David Ogilvy

247. “User: the word computer professionals use when they mean ‘idiot.’” —Dave Barry

248. “I wake up laughing. Yes, I wake up in the morning and there I am just laughing my head off.” – Bruce Willis

249. You're how old?”

250. “Every Friday, I like to high five ourselves for getting through another week on little more than caffeine, will power, and inappropriate humour.” — Nanea Hoffman

251. “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence.” – Helen Keller

252. “The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, ‘The trouble with this country is …’” —Sinclair Lewis

253. When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

254. “Time flows in a strange way on Sundays.” – Haruki Murakami

255. “When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” ~ Jane Wagner

256. “Music always sounds better on Friday.” ― Lou Brutus

257. “‘I don’t want a whole dessert; let’s just get two spoons.’ —Former friends of mine.” —Anna Kendrick

258. ‘By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.’ – Robert Frost

259. “I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

260. “It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window.” —Raymond Chandler, author

261. “Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.” – Jack Ma

262. “Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.” – Earl Nightingale

263. “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” ~ Ashleigh Brilliant

264. “Weekends welcome warriors for social fun that starts on Friday.” — David Chiles

265. “I thought Europe was a country.” —Kellie Pickler, country music singer

266. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…

267. “Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: ‘What is your source of income?’ She wrote: ‘ATM.’” —Michael Mcrae

268. You can't have a million-dollar dream with a minimum-wage worth ethic.

269. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.”~ Don Marquis

270. I don't care what they say about me. I just want to eat.

271. I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

272. All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.

273. I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That's all I've ever wanted.

274. “May your Thursday feel like pancakes and coffee on a Saturday morning.”

275. “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” ~ Benny Hill

276. “Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain

277. ‘Every man has a right to be conceited until he is successful.’ – Benjamin Disraeli

278. “Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

279. “Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.” – Will Rogers

280. “All the things I like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening.” —Alexander Woollcott, actor

281. The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it.

282. Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

283. “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”~ Oliver Herford

284. “You’re not as young as you used to be. But you’re not as old as you’re going to be.” – Irish Saying

285. “The awfulness of Monday mornings is the world’s greatest common denominator. To the millionaire and the coolie it is the same, because there can be nothing worse.” – Kenneth Fearing

286. “Virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.”

287. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. An office is a place where dreams come true.

288. “Start every day with a smile and get over it.” —W. C. Fields (attributed)

289. You're going to order that? Seriously?

290. “Inconceivable!"

291. “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.” —Mark Twain

292. “I object only when it reaches a stage when I am threatened with having nothing left for my old age – which is due to start next Tuesday or Wednesday.” – Noel Coward

293. “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres

294. “Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.”~ Desmond Morris

295. ‘The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. – Oscar Wilde

296. “It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

297. If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.”

298. “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

299. “By the time someone says, ‘To make a long story short,’ it’s too late.” ~ Don Herold

300. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

301. “A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”

302. “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”~ Mark Twain

303. “This woman’s an easy glove, my lord, she goes off and on at pleasure.”

304. Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

305. All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence — then success is sure.

306. “Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired.” – Michel Tournier

307. “It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.” ~ Gore Vidal

308. Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

309. “When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.” ~ Larry

310. “Part of [the $10 million] went for gambling, horses, and women. The rest I spent foolishly.” —George Raft, film star

311. “It is very rare or almost impossible that an event can be negative from all points of view.” – Dalai Lama

312. “According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.”~ Jay Leno

313. “Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.” – Unknown

314. “I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.” – Benjamin Franklin

315. “The informality of family life is a blessed condition that allows us all to become our best while looking our worst.” – Marge Kennedy

316. “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”~ Cullen Hightower

317. “By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.” —Richard Dawkins, scientist

318. “Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.”~ James Thurber

319. “A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.”~ Denis Waitley

320. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try management.’ – Unknown

321. “Although I understand that all days are equal with 24 hours each, most of us agree that Friday is the longest day of the week and Sunday the shortest.” ― D.S. Mixel

322. “After Tuesday, even the calendar goes W – T – F.”

323. “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.

324. “It’s fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything.” – Lew Schneider

325. “If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.”~ Groucho Marx

326. “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” ~ Robin Williams

327. People waste their time pondering whether a glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just drink whatever's in the glass.

328. Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

329. “The bell doesn’t dismiss you.” – Teachers

330. “It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle.” – Unknown

331. “According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

332. “You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today.” – Abraham Lincoln

333. ‘Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.’ – George Burns

334. “Sunday! A family day with a touch of weekend thrown in for good measure.” — Anthony T. Hincks

335. “Can someone please just give me a participation trophy for making it through today please?”

336. “Don't gobblefunk around with words.”

337. There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

338. “The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” – Sam Levenson

339. “The four most important words in any marriage—I’ll do the dishes.” – Unknown

340. “Monday is for people with a mission.” – Christina Imre

341. “I’m not offended by blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb … and I also know that I’m not blonde.” —Dolly Parton

342. “Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”

343. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” —Will Ferrell

344. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.

345. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Shulz

346. “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” – Maya Angelou

347. “Life must be terrible for working people, considering they spend every Friday night celebrating a two-day break from it.” — Robert Black

348. “There are no miracles on Mondays.” – Amy Neftzger

349. “Everyday is Monday….till Friday.” – Viktor VolksPrater

350. “Don’t mess with anybody on a Monday. It’s a bad, bad day.” – Louise Fitzhugh

351. “Sundays are like confetti floating in the air in slow motion, in the evening they reach the ground and you hope a bit of wind could blow on them so they could fly a bit longer.” – Alain Bremond-Torrent

352. “My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” – Unknown

353. ‘Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? – Edgar Bergen

354. “Thy sin’s not accidental, but a trade.”

355. ‘Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher, this would be my career. And if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.’ – The Office

356. The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.

357. “I cannot go to school today"

358. “If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.” — James Johnson

359. “Not for nothing is their motto TGIF – ‘Thank God It’s Friday.’ They live for the weekends when they can go do what they want to do.” — Richard Nelson Bolles

360. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” —Isaac Asimov, science fiction writer

361. “Addiction – when you can give up something any time, as long as it’s next Tuesday.” – Nikki Sixx

362. ‘Success is relative. It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.’ – TS Eliot

363. “Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.” ~ Frank Semyon

364. “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”~ Bill Maher

365. “If I love you Wednesday, what is that to you? I do not love you Thursday; so much is true.” – Edna St. Vincent Millay

366. ‘Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.’ – Dilbert

367. “Sunday is the day when I prepare for the week ahead by making improbable To-Do lists and browsing Pinterest for ideas on how to decorate my imaginary mansion.” – Nanea Hoffman

368. “Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

369. Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?

370. “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” ~ Charles Lamb

371. “Headline?" he asked.

372. “The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia

373. Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

374. Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.

375. “I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.” ~ Dr. Peter Venkman

376. “When life gives you Monday, dip it in glitter and sparkle all day.” – Ella Woodward

377. “I like long romantic walks down every aisle at Target.” – Unknown

378. “Thou damned and luxurious mountain goat.”

379. “When a day that you happen to know is Wednesday starts off sounding like Sunday, there is something seriously wrong somewhere.” – John Wyndham

380. “I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.”~ David Lee Roth

381. ‘Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.’ – Napoleon Bonaparte

382. “Thou art as fat as butter.”

383. “Every morning, I wake up saying, ‘I’m still alive, a miracle.’ And so I keep on pushing.” — Jim Carrey

384. Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

385. The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

386. “This has been such a Monday! I wish I stayed in bed, and I wish that yesterday had never happened.” – Lisa Mantchev

387. “An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”

388. “It’s Thursday and it really feels like a Thursday. Sometimes things just work out.” – Demetri Martin

389. ‘If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.’ – Quentin Crisp

390. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing, that’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar.

391. “Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher

392. Instant gratification takes too long.

393. “Without Saturday, Sunday would just be another day of the week.” — Anthony T. Hincks

394. “It’s a fine line between Saturday night and Sunday morning.” — Jimmy Buffett

395. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” —Albert Einstein

396. “It’s okay to look at the past and the future. Just don’t stare.” – Lisa Lieberman-Wang

397. I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. And I also know that I'm not blonde.

398. “Mine eyes smell onions.”

399. “If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown

400. People say, ‘How you stay looking so young?’ I say, well, good lighting, good doctors, and good makeup.

401. “Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.

402. “What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”

403. ‘Nothing is illegal if a hundred businessmen decide to do it.’ – Andrew Young

404. “Home may be where the heart is but it’s no place to spend Wednesday afternoon.” – Walker Percy

405. “The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.” ~ Anonymous

406. “Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.” – Scott Adams

407. “Friday afternoon feels like heaven…” ― El Fuego

408. You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

409. “In my life long study of human beings, I have found that no matter how hard they try, they have found no way yet to prevent the arrival of Monday morning. And they do try, of course, but Monday always comes, and all the drones have to scuttle back to their dreary workday lives of meaningless toin and suffering.” – Jeff Lindsay

410. “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” ~ Anonymous

411. It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.

412. “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” – Oscar Wilde

413. “You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great. – Zig Ziglar

414. “Oh, my sweet Saturday, I have been waiting for you for six long days.” — Charmaine J. Forde

415. Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

416. “I wish that every day was Saturday and every month was October.” — Charmaine J. Forde

417. “I hate the radio this time of year because they play 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' like, every other song. And that’s just not enough.”

418. “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”

419. “Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” ~ Oscar Wilde

420. “Poetry is truth in its Sunday clothes.” – Philibert Joseph Roux

421. “But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”

422. “If love is the answer, can you please rephrase the question?” – Lily Tomlin

423. “Tuesday just called and wants to know what happened to Friday!” – Neil Leckman

424. “Why beer is better than wine: human feet are conspicuously absent from beer making.” —Steve Mirsky, author

425. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”~ Alan Dundes

426. “Find a job you enjoy doing, and you will never have to work a day in your life.” – Mark Twain

427. “I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, ‘It’s still in my pencil.’” —Larry Timmons

428. “Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.” —Anonymous

429. “I’m in shape. Round is a shape.”~ George Carlin

430. “There live not three good men unhanged in England: and one of them is fat.”

431. ‘Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.’ – Rita Mae Brown

432. “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” ~ Damien Fahey

433. “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

434. ‘Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.’ – Savielly Tartakower

435. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.

436. “Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.” – Benjamin Franklin

437. The older you get, the better you get. Unless you're a banana.

438. “Most of what we call management consists of making it difficult for people to get their work done.” – Peter Drucker

439. “It is more fun to talk with someone who doesn’t use long, difficult words but rather short, easy words like ‘What about lunch?’” – A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

440. “I wonder how to turn water into wine. Happy thirsty Thursday.”

441. “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” ~ Caroline Rhea

442. I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. I don't think it's natural.

443. ‘Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.’ – Doug Larson

444. “A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.” – William James

445. “High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.” ~ Christopher Morley

446. Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

447. “A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.” – Don Marquis

448. “I must break the routines and become a person who becomes productive every Monday. I must break the mindset of unhappiness and turn myself into a happy magnet for Mondays.” – Leggy Saul

449. “I believe that it is a mandatory Law of the Universe that on Fridays, you have to do something a little fun.” — Hanna Rhoades

450. “We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” – Hal Ketchum

451. ‘Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?’ – Steve Jobs

452. “Sunday?! But, I wasn’t done with Saturday yet…”

453. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

454. “The goal of Sunday is to leave my home as little as possible.” – Mark Morris

455. Sometimes you lie in bed at night and you don't have a single thing to worry about. That always worries me!

456. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

457. “So it turns out that being an adult is really just Googling how to do stuff.” – Unknown

458. “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez, producer

459. “Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.” – Don Marquis

460. “If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.” ~ Billy Wilde

461. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.. —George Burns

462. “We’re gonna howl at the moon, shoot out the light, It’s a small town Saturday night” — Hal Ketchum

463. “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.” – Steven Wright

464. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

465. “I must to the barber’s, monsieur; for methinks, I am marvellous hairy about the face: and I am such a tender ass, if my hair do but tickle me, I must scratch.”

466. The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.

467. “WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.” —Crystal Lowery

468. “You are as a candle, the better burnt out.”

469. “I’ve come to learn that the best time to debate family members is when they have food in their mouths.” —Kenneth Cole, fashion designer

470. “The lion shall lie down with the calf, but the calf won’t get much sleep.” —Woody Allen

471. “On Wednesday they’re feelin’ fine again, And they’re workin’ like a dog and diggin’ in.” – Johnny Cash

472. “So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends – but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more positive partnership.” – Julio Alexi Genao

473. “Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows”

474. “…By the time Thursday rolls around, you stay in, and you work, and you don’t go out because it’s horrible.” – El-P

475. “If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

476. “I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” ~ Rita Rudner

477. “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”~ Lawrence Ferlinghetti

478. “My job is to give people who work hard all week something to enjoy on Saturdays and Wednesdays.” – Arsene Wenger

479. “People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” ~ Isaac Asimov

480. “It’s so much easier to suggest solutions when you don’t know too much about the problem.” ~ Malcolm Forbes

481. “I’m an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.” – Harold Wilson

482. “I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin.”

483. ‘I suppose it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail.’ – Abraham Maslow

484. “It’s not Saturday, it’s Satur-yay!”

485. “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” – Michael Scott, The Office

486. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

487. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

488. “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley, humourist

489. “My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on tv and eating.” — Alan King

490. “He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.” —Abraham Lincoln

491. “When you’re in love it’s the most glorious two and a half days of your life.” – Richard Lewis

492. “I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me."

493. ‘I will always choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.’- Bill Gates

494. “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.” – Marlene Dietrich

495. “You’re not forty, you’re eighteen with twenty-two years experience.” – Unknown

496. “Saturdays are for adventures, Sundays are for cuddling.”

497. “Perv."498. I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?

499. “Go, prick thy face and over-red thy fear,

500. Age is something that doesn't matter unless you are a cheese.

501. “If Tuesday were a movie, it would be called Monday Part:2.”

502. “The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” ~ Lucille Ball

503. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.”~ A. A. Milne

504. “Yesterday I really wanted tacos. Now I’m eating tacos. Follow your dreams.”

505. “Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”

506. “The roof is not my son, but I will raise it.” – Unknown

507. “When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, ‘Four. I don’t think I can eat eight.’” ~ Yogi Berra

508. Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.

509. “Sunday just came down like a nine-pound hammer … it was tainted with the closing-in feeling of the loss of freedom. Because after the sun went down, it came back up on Monday morning. And you had to go to work five more days. And it sucked.” – Larry Brown

510. I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

511. ‘Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. – Drew Carey

512. ‘Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it half-assed. That’s the American way. – Homer Simpson

513. So this is my life — until I win the lottery.

514. “Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”- Jarod Kintz

515. I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

516. “I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” ~ Noel Coward

517. “My father always said, ‘Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their bookshelf.’” —Emilia Clarke

518. ‘It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.’ – Muhammad Ali

519. “I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown

520. Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.

521. “Employers are at their happiest on Mondays. Employees are at their happiest on Fridays.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana

522. “Candy is natures way of making up for Mondays.” – Rebecca Gober

523. “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” ~ Ellen DeGeneres

524. “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing, and then they marry him.” —Cher

525. “Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”~ Jackie Mason

526. ‘I’m not the smartest fellow in the world, but I can sure pick smart colleagues.’ – Franklin D. Roosevelt

527. There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.. —Jerry Seinfeld

528. Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That's one of my mottos.

529. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” – Steve Martin

530. “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” – Tina Fey

531. “Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking

532. “If I could, I’d give up Mondays to have her love again. Actually, forget her love, I’d give up Mondays for free.” – Jarod Kintz

533. “When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron

534. “Family ties mean that no matter how much you might want to run from your family, you can’t.” – Unknown

535. “That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

536. As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two.

537. “Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”

538. Where's the Tylenol?

539. “On Wednesday, when the sky is blue, and I have nothing else to do, I sometimes wonder if it’s true that who is what and what is who.” – Winnie the Pooh

540. “There is no point in learning on a Tuesday when on a Thursday it might be completely different.” – Alycia Debnam-Carey

541. I love mankind... it's people I can't stand!!

542. “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.”~ Kin Hubbard

543. “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” – Linda Grayson

544. “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin

545. ‘Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job.’ – Unknown

546. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”—Erma Bombeck

547. “Welp, glad that’s over.” – Unknown

548. “I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner

549. “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” —Jack Handey

550. “The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.” ~ Oscar Wilde

551. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

552. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

553. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.”~ Dr. Seuss

554. “People kept saying ‘Go Corona’ and it went to other countries to spread across the globe.” ~ Invajy

555. “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

556. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”~ Dale Carnegie

557. “What you do today can improve all your tomorrows.” – Ralph Marston

558. “You’re doing amazing, sweetie!” – Kris Jenner

559. “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis

560. “Harry & Meghan” Part 2 Trailer Just Dropped

561. “When people refer to ‘Back in the Day,’ it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.” – Dane Cook

562. “I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” ~ Groucho Marx

563. Go to heaven for the climate, hell for the company.

564. “Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.” ~ Mark Twain

565. “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.” ~ Mark Twain

566. “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”~ Dalai Lama

567. “A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.” – Mignon McLaughlin

568. “I told myself that I was going to live the rest of my life as if it were Saturday.” — Chip Gaines

569. “Want to know what God thinks of money? Look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker, writer

570. “Don’t get all weird about getting older! Our age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying us!” – Unknown

571. “It’s 4:58 on Friday afternoon. Do you know where your margarita is?” ― Amy Neftzger

572. “It is better to have one person working with you than three people working for you.” – Dwight D. Eisenhower

573. “As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”~ Norman Wisdom

574. “The frantic pace of life is only interrupted by the quietness of Sunday.” – Byron Pulsifer

575. “SUNDAY – The day I planned a lot but did nothing.” – Lovely Goyal

576. “I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.” ~ Anonymous

577. “Without Sunday, I wouldn’t know when to put on the brakes of a hurtling life.” – Byron Pulsifer

578. “There were many reasons to regard Saturday as the second best day after Friday.” — R. Phillip Ritter

579. “By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” ~ Charles Wadsworth

580. “A note from a student’s mother: ‘Please excuse Chris from reading, because he doesn’t like it.’” —Roy Hartley

581. “Never regret yesterday. Life is in you today and you make your tomorrow.” – L. Ron Hubbard

582. When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

583. ‘Sometimes the best part of my job is that the chair swivels’ –Unknown

584. “Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”

585. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

586. “This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”

587. “You Banbury cheese!”

588. “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” ~ Les Dawson

589. “I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.” – Charles M. Schulz

590. “I’ll beat thee, but I would infect my hands.”

591. “I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.” ~ Bob Hope

592. “Pain is temporary, GPA is forever” – Unknown

593. “You’re in mint condition for a vintage model. Happy Birthday.” – Catherine Pulsifer

594. “I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, ‘If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?’ ‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Just not these four.’” —Sheila Lee

595. “The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Don’t go back to sleep.” – Rumi

596. “Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make. Aparna Nancherla (Source)

597. “If they want to learn how to live life right they ought to study me on Saturday night.” — Maya Angelou

598. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” – Will Ferrell

599. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

600. “Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"

601. “If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.” ~ Ace Ventura

602. I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

603. “My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” ~ Rose (Betty White)

604. “Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.” ~ Lt. Frank Drebin

605. “You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”

606. “Her only flair is in her nostrils.” —Pauline Kael, film critic

607. “Sundays tend to be a day where just I do nothing but visit people. It’s kind of like trick-or-treating.” – Chuck Palahniuk

608. “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade”– Elbert Hubbard

609. “I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper.” ~ Matt Wohlfarth

610. “A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”~ Lana Turner

611. “Yesterday’s the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present.” – Bil Keane

612. “I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?"

613. “Goodbye, everyone! I’ll remember you all in therapy.” – Plankton, Spongebob

614. “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” —Tom Clancy, author

615. “My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” ~ Halley Reed

616. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

617. “They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.” —Clint Eastwood

618. “The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.” —George Will, columnist

619. “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’” ~ Anonymous

620. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

621. “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” ~Will Ferrell

622. “We put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional” – Unknown

623. “You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

624. Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.

625. “Would thou wert clean enough to spit upon!”

626. “Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value.” – Albert Einstein

627. “Life is like Friday on a soap opera. It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up on Monday.” – Stephen King

628. “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

629. “God is at home, it’s we who have gone out for a walk.”~ Meister Eckhart

630. “I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”

631. “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.” – Unknown

632. Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any.

633. “My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday!”

634. “Every day in high school, I was looking for the snack, not knowing that I was the snack after all.” – Unknown

635. “A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.” ~ H.L. Mencken

636. “It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.”~ Harry S. Truman

637. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

638. “I make Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist.” —Tara Reid, actress

639. “If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

640. “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.” ~ President Merkin Muffley

641. If you can't be kind, at least be vague.

642. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. Milne

643. “Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” – Harry Morgan

644. “Be the person that when your feet touch the floor in the morning the devil says, “Awe sh*t, they’re up”. – Dwayne Johnson

645. “Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.” —Sandra Bullock

646. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — Winnie The Pooh

647. “It’s finally Friday, I’m free again. I got my motor running for a wild weekend.” — George Jones

648. “We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.” – Unknown

649. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” ~ Groucho Marx

650. ‘Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.’ – Unkmown

651. “As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.” —Adam Joshua Smargon

652. “Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

653. “Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.” – Tina Fey

654. “I won’t go into a big spiel about reincarnation, but the first time I was in the Gucci store in Chicago was the closest I’ve ever felt to home.” —Kanye West, rap artist

655. “Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” – Will Rogers

656. “I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” ~ Phyllis Diller

657. “I like my coffee black and my mornings bright.” – Terri Guillemets

658. “If you come to a fork in the road, take it.” – Yogi Berra

659. “On your birthday, I thought of giving you the cutest gift in the world. But then I realized that is not possible because you yourself are the cutest gift in the world.” – Unknown

660. “Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!”

661. “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

662. “The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

663. “She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”

664. “If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” ~ Abraham Lincoln

665. “Today I am doing better than yesterday, and tomorrow I hope to be doing better than I am today. And two days from now? Well, that’s a Monday, so I’ll be feeling shitty.” ― Jarod Kintz

666. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas. You know, the birth of Santa?”

667. “There isn’t a Monday that would not cede its place to Tuesday.” – Anton Chekhov

668. “Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.” – Unknown

669. “We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.”~ George Bernard Shaw

670. ‘The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.’ –Robert Frost

671. “The road to success is always under construction.” ~ Lily Tomlin

672. “The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove crabgrass on your lawn.” —P. J. O’Rourke, writer

673. “Wednesday can only dream of becoming Thursday.” – Anthony T. Hincks

674. ​​Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face.

675. My tastes are simple: I am easily satisfied with the best.

676. “The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.”~ Harlan Ellison

677. “If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” – Henry David Thoreau

678. I like my money where I can see it: hanging in my closet.

679. “If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?” —Will Rogers

680. Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired.

681. ‘If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.’ – Benjamin Franklin

682. “Sunday clears away the rust of the whole week.” – Joseph Addison

683. “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck

684. ‘What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.’- Phyllis Diller

685. “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” ~ Milton Berle

686. “Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.” ~ Steve Martin

687. “Families are like fudge – mostly sweet with a few nuts.” – Unknown

688. “The only time I set the bar low is for limbo” – Michael Scott, The Office

689. “A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.” ~ W.C. Fields

690. “They say you shouldn’t say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good.” —Moms Mabley

691. “Can you surf really well, then?"

692. “Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighbourhood.” —Aaron Karo

693. I have a confession to make…

694. “I sat quietly with my own thoughts today. Remind me to never do that again.”

695. “Come on, come on, turn the radio on, It’s Saturday, and it won’t be long” — Sia

696. “It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.” – Jerry Seinfeld

697. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

698. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

699. “You know what Sunday is, and it’s a day with a lot of potential for naps.” – Polly Horvath

700. “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” – Leslie Nielsen