163 Best Anthony Jeselnik Quotes and Jokes (2023)

1. “I’m actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me. ”

2. “‘Cause what else you got? Doctor-assisted suicide? Get that weak shit outta here. Teen Suicide? No. College is important. I’m all about murder-suicide. Murder-suicide’s the best. You guys seem like you don’t believe me. That’s OK. I’m a pro. Watch me sell this: You hear your friend Jeff just committed suicide. Your only thought is devastation. ‘Oh my God, What could I have done to save my friend Jeff?’

3. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it.”

4. “You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails. ”

5. “I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.”

6. “I like the kind of villain that I am,” he said about his persona. “But I’d like to find a way — this is going to sound corny, I’ll probably regret it — to use it to be helpful,” he said.

7. “I’m not just offensive. I’m very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn’t be trying these things. That’s ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks. ”

8. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub, and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. ”

9. “When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle. ”

10. “Sure, my uncle killed himself playing Russian Roulette. But I choose to remember him as a great Russian Roulette player. ”

11. “I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves. ”

12. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.”

13. “I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. ”

14. “I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.”

15. “I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back ‘I know. ’”

16. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: ‘Not today, you bastards. ’”

17. “I’m not the voice of reason; I’m more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke. ”

18. “I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.”

19. “Perhaps I’m being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer. ”

20. “Watch me sell this.”

21. “I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.”

22. “I used to have sex with my teachers in exchange for good grades on teacher evaluations. ”

23. “My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black – that way, when I found out he didn’t exist, it wouldn’t be that big a let down. ”

24. “I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night. ”

25. “I was a terrible employee. I’ve been fired from almost every job I’ve ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I’d be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor. ”

26. “My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom’s funeral, while I was asleep. ”

27. “I think I can make a difference,” he added with a startling earnestness, “because of what I have done and the fear I can instill. I can do positive things with this. I hope I can do that in the future.”

28. “I can’t talk politics with my cousin because he’s such a hypocrite. He’s against the death penalty and he hanged himself. ”

29. “I’m very arrogant and mean. I’m almost like a bad guy professional wrestler. ”

30. “My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple of years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch ‘Schindler’s List. ’ And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can’t believe it only happened once. ”

31. “You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold, dead hands. ”

32. “You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… And you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby. ”

33. “I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.”

34. “I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldn't be the bad guy in the joke; he couldn't upset people, really.”

35. “I'm not just offensive, I'm very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn't be trying these things. That's ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks.”

36. “Racist dermatologists think all black people have really bad skin. ”

37. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.”

38. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no one will do it. ”

39. “I don't think people shouldn't try to be edgy, but you have to take what the audience says to you in consideration.”

40. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian you learn from failure, so I'm always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works.”

41. “Ricky Gervais, Louis CK, Anthony Jeselnik and I have the same sense of humor. They're just better at it than I am.”

42. “I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know—I’m so bad with names. ”

43. “Yesterday, I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious — nobody saw me. ”

44. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.”

45. “I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking. She gets bitten by a snake in-between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… So she’s dead. ”

46. “I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves. ”

47. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase—the glasses, the hair in the face—and you knew immediately when they were doing it. ”

48. “I do dark [humor]. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.”

49. “I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.”

50. “It’s impossible for me to hear the words ‘quadruple murder-suicide’ without thinking of my grandparents. ”

51. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.”

52. “My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say that she committed suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. ”

53. “If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.”

54. “You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.”

55. “I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

56. “What do I care if someone doesn’t like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way. ”

57. “Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls. Do they blow themselves up?”

58. “With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference. ”

59. “I’m not just offensive, I’m very smart about the way that I do it, and that takes a lot of time. People say that young comics shouldn’t be trying these things. That’s ridiculous. You should try everything and see what sticks. ”

60. “My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him; she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him. ’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. ”

61. “My girlfriend is Jewish. But it’s easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces. ”

62. “I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I’ll think is funny. ”

63. “I've got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

64. “Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles. ”

65. “I’ve got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there. ”

66. “I’m inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry. ”

67. “I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer – but no one will do it.”

68. “Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn’t have that, then she’s mine. ”

69. “I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.”

70. “I do dark humor. I like people who are silly and weird and people who are surprising and good at what they do.”

71. “One of my favorite things on the show was just getting to do my own monologue and talking about someone who killed themselves, or making a joke about some horrible tragedy - I love being able to fight for and get on TV. I just think it's so different.”

72. “I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.”

73. “I would never hit a woman—even if she had a knife or a stutter. ”

74. “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, “Just kidding. ” I know you’re just kidding. Don’t insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much. ”

75. “My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it. ”

76. “I know her in the biblical sense. And when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says. ”

77. “I don't think I ever got over my grandmother's death. When I was a kid, my grandmother died from a heart attack during my ninth birthday party. Literally, while she was eating cake. And I guess that must have screwed me up a little bit, you know? I mean, I still have birthday parties, but now I'm just careful what I wish for.”

78. “My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her. ”

79. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, ‘I’ll write more than everybody else, and that’s how I’ll get better. ’”

80. “Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase – the glasses, the hair in the face – and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

81. “Do whatever you want to do, whenever you want to do it. ”

82. “I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.”

83. “When I was a kid, my friends and I got arrested for vandalizing a graveyard. Ten thousand dollars in damages. But we had a great lawyer, who knocked it down to criminal trespassing…and necrophilia.”

84. “I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family. The good news is that it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves. ”

85. “I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. ”

86. “I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don’t know – I’m so bad with names. ”

87. “On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.”

88. “On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.”

89. “A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, ‘Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. ’ And I said, ‘If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend. ’”

90. “My mom’s been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed – if she’s ever going to be good at golf. ”

91. “I would never hit a woman – even if she had a knife or a stutter. ”

92. “Disasters are funny to me. As a comedian, you learn from failure, so I’m always trying to put myself in a situation that does not seem ideal for my comedy and see how it works. ”

93. “Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That's crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.”

94. “My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him. ’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby. ”

95. “I don’t know if you guys know what a false premise is, but I have this cat. I think it must've been a stray cat because any time it gets outside it immediately runs off, kills something, drags it back in, and leaves it at my feet. I’ve had this thing for like a month and I swear, we’ve got quite the competition going. I don’t even like cats, if I’m being honest. I’m more of a dog guy. I used to have a Great Dane. You guys know what a Great Dane is? One of those big, tall, skinny dogs? Marmaduke was a Great Dane, Scooby Doo… They call them the ‘heartbreaker breed’, because they normally only live up to eight years. But, with the right diet, exercise, and attention… I got it down to four.”

96. “I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.”

97. “The best way to break up with a girl is like I’m taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower. ”

98. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere, ‘Hah. ’”

99. “People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.”

100. Last year, my mom should’ve been celebrating her 60th birthday. But because of drugs, alcohol and other terrible decisions, we all forgot. It was sad

101. “The one thing I've found you really can't joke about - and people think it's death or something - is money. No one thinks it's funny, whether you have it or you don't. Money is just something no one seems to like joking about.”

102. “I like the idea of being the funny guy in the dramatic thing, playing a hit man with a weird sense of humor.”

103. “I’m not trying that joke out, I’m showing off.”

104. “Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?”

105. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.”

106. “Stereotypes wouldn’t be so bad if black people were nicer, in general. ”

107. “Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and I hope horrible things dont happen to my family, but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.”

108. “I know her in the biblical sense and when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.”

109. “I was always cutting words. I even would write my jokes in my notebook. I still do this, almost like a poem.”

110. “I remember when I was 13, my mom got diagnosed with Parkinson's, and my dad just gave up immediately. He said, ‘I can't deal with this. I can't live like this.’ and packed up his car. So, as a 13-year-old boy, I had to be the one to roll up my sleeves and say, ‘OK… Guess I'm going with dad. Sounds like mom needs some alone time.’”

111. “I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic. ”

112. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere “hah. ””

113. “My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don’t understand why she’s crying. I’m the one who has to get a new girlfriend. ”

114. “My nephew killed himself masturbating but, officially, the cause of death is exhaustion. ”

115. “My sister and her husband lived next to a bunch of cell phone towers and they’re concerned it's gonna affect the health of their children… you know, if they can stop having miscarriages.”

116. “Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.”

117. “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, 'Just kidding.' I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.”

118. “My great-grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide, but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights. ”

119. “I’ve spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… But no one will do it. ”

120. “There is nothing that’s off-limits. If people think something is off-limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that’s my job. ”

121. “I don’t know if you guys know what a false premise is, but I have this cat …”

122. ... the one who has to get a new girlfriend. - Anthony Jeselnik

123. “In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.”

124. “My favorite writer of all time, favorite author? William Shakespeare. Love Shakespeare. I still read Shakespeare today and people will argue with me that it's impractical to read so much Shakespeare, but let me learn you something: if it wasn't for Romeo and Juliet, I would have totally overreacted when my fiance killed herself.

125. “My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person—so I can get a better girlfriend. ”

126. “About a month ago, some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It’s all anybody has talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?’”

127. “I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

128. “People get weird when kids die, that's a fact. Like about a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek, and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. That's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, ‘Who cares? How many kids do you know get to die a winner?”

129. “I don’t tell dark jokes because I’m a comedian. I am a comedian because I tell dark jokes.”

130. “Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and, ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. ”

131. “People say it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them. ”

132. “When I was a kid, my parents had a gun. My parents said we had to have a gun. Gotta have a gun to protect their five children. Of course, they eventually got rid of it… to protect their four children. I'm not gonna lie, it was fun while it lasted. I was getting pretty good towards the end.”

133. “My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn’t religious anymore. When she was a kid, like twelve years old, her parents nailed a 25-pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall, and leaves a two-inch gash in the back of her dad’s head. ”

134. “I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.”

135. “Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. ”

136. “I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.”

137. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere 'hah'.”

138. “Yeah we’re not together anymore. She has got – she has got a new boyfriend now. They just moved into together. And I’ve heard rumors that he is abusive, which makes you want to go over there with a baseball bat. And then blame it on her boyfriend. ”

139. “I spent all night feeding the homeless to dogs. ”

140. “I’m a realist all the way. I’m too cynical to be an optimist. But I’ve lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist. ”

141. “Donald (Trump), I’m not sure if you’re even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas, from the movie Wall Street, is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer. ”

142. “You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands. ”

143. “Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and ‘I hope horrible things don’t happen to my family,’ but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release. ”

144. “I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can’t stand how good I look. ”

145. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere ‘hah. ’”

146. “Yesterday, I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn’t serious—nobody saw me. ”

147. “Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it, and as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. ”

148. “It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.”

149. “I’ve got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves. ”

150. “God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny. ”

151. “There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.”

152. “People who get offended by jokes are f*cking stupid. ”

153. “We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting – they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral. ”

154. “I really believe this, that being a mother seems like one of the toughest jobs in the world, like literally right below comedian. So to me, if a mother does her best, then in my book she's a good mom. My mom did her very best, unfortunately she was also a terrible person.. Like, my mom for most of her life was a Holocaust denier. Does everybody know what that means? It means she couldn't believe the Holocaust happened. It's like the worst thing you can be, and it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with. Until finally, a couple years ago we had an intervention, and we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people and then he made her watch Schindler's List. And after that my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”

155. “I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said: I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.”

156. “My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing. ”

157. “Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."”

158. “In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.”

159. “Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.”

160. “I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.”

161. “I know her in the biblical sense—and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says. ”

162. “This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. ”

163. “People say that it’s easy to make fun of retarded people, but it’s not. You really have to explain it to them. ”

164. “The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say, ‘Not today, you bastards. ’”